Exchange// Billie Eilish

Chapter 54

Billie

Before you rip this up and throw it in a pit of raging fire like I know you will please read it.

You're mad, and it's your right to be mad. And hurt.

You said you hated me and that's ok, I think I've accepted that now. That's what I wanted in some twisted way.

I needed you to hate me because leaving someone that hates me, is so much easier than leaving the girl that loves me.

I hope one day you'll forgive me, and I hope that day is before we meet again.

I'll be back but that doesn't equate to a 'wait for me'. That's the opposite of what I want you to do Billie. Part of me knew that leaving was the only option and it was the bigger part of me.

I left so you could spread your wings and I could spread mine. You won't agree with me because I know how stubborn you are, but I believe we need this.

Us parting ways while together was obviously a problem, one that we swept under the rug and were too scared to talk about. Not only as a couple but as individuals.

I know I was terrified of bringing it up, scared of how'd you take it. And when I found out about you deleting those emails, I knew that my thoughts had been confirmed and I needed to leave.

But just know that I've forgiven you, I was mad at you. Furious even but I think I was more mad at myself for letting shit get that far.

Maybe it was meant to happen, a consequence of our selfish behaviour.

Regardless of that though I still love you and will never stop.

It's you.

It is and always will be you.

You called me your soulmate once and I laughed because we were being goofy and joking around.

But I know you are my soul mate and there will always be a Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O'Connell sized hole in my heart that only you can fill.

You know, I never really believed in love. I mean my parents weren't the best role models of it. I grew up in a household void of love and care.

But then I met you. Even when you stormed into the bathroom while I had just a towel wrapped around me, I fell in love with you. I just didn't know it then.

Even though you were acting like a hard ass I could the softness behind your sparkling eyes. They say if you fall in love with a person's eyes first then you're in love with them forever, because it's the only part of humans that can never change.

And I did. I fell hard for your blue orbs, the way they shine and light up when you talk about the things and people you love.

The way they glimmer when your singing, the way they get hard yet playful when you're fighting with Finneas.

But I don't think I'll ever forget the way they became dull and empty when you said you hated me, and I'm sorry.

I will always be in your debt for the love you've given me and the lessons you've taught me.

You made me a better person, a more resilient and stronger person.

Please don't stop making music, it was what you were born to do. And you don't need my permission, but I just want to say that it's ok to move on.

I'll be back and even though I broke I last promise I won't break this one. I can't say when I'll come back, but I know I will. I just need time.

And as for the trip I gave you for Christmas, I bought tickets and upgraded the hotel rooms for Kelsey, Connor, Mav, Mak and Gia to join you.

Look after them and don't push them away like I know you will.

I love you,

Your Eleanor.

Fin

A/N    wow, just wow. It's done.

Thank you to each and everyone one of you for reading this and actually being invested and caring about the characters so much, it's crazy that something I started writing as a means of procrastination and distraction is being read by so many people.

It's crazy.

Yes there will be a sequel but no it won't be up tomorrow either.

The sequel will probably take time because I want to put more thought into it and make an actual plot without making spur of the moment ideas.

Again, thank you for reading it means the world to little old me.

Love you all,

Bilstan <3