Girls // 5SOS

28 - the C word

A/N: WARNING. This may be triggering to any suicidal thoughts or depression, I'm really sorry for those who are going through this anyway, it doesn't seem true, but life is a beautiful thing. I don't even believe it myself but YOU are worth it. No matter what size, shape, or how you look. You are human and you deserve the best. Stay strong beautiful. You're going to make it through if you fight. I love you ♡

- BritishBums xox
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TESS'S POV

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* FLASHBACK *

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I keep my head low, afraid to make eye contact with anyone. I haven't gone to school in nearly two weeks just because I didn't feel like it.

Honestly, I wasn't a fan of going to a place where people forced you to do things you didn't want to do, and along with that, everyone judged you. No matter what, they just silently judged you. All school was, was a place to make you feel bad about yourself. So honestly, fuck school. It's such a waste of time, when you could be travelling the world doing better things that made you genuinely happy.

"Tess, sweetheart." My mom sounded so sad on the other side of the door.

"I'm still not feeling well, mom. I can't go today."

"And why not? Tess, I feel that you've been avoiding going to school? Why?" She sighed. "What am I doing wrong? Should I do something to be a better mother to you?" Her voice filled with depression, as my heart hurt.

Tears collected in my eyes as I got out of my bed and swung the door open.

"Mom I hate myself. And I hate people. I.. Everything is slowly eating at me, and I hate it! I'm nothing but an invisible shadow and my teachers hate me."

"Tess, all you have to do is open up.'' She told me. "You don't know what you can get from opening up."

"No, it isn't easy when you're nothing but worthless, mom.. I genuinely believe that I can't do anything right and it's the worse feeling.. I'm just willing to live with it, now. I'm okay with it." I whispered.

"I am your mother, and I know you aren't worthless, Tess. And I'm not saying this just because I'm your mother. You are a bright young girl who should live her life, you are a star that hasn't learned how to shine yet and.. It takes risks.''

"Mom, I'm depressed and I have this.. This disorder that just.. I can't open up. It's so hard I just don't want to do anything I don't want to do.''I cried. "This sounds so difficult, I know. But.. I just can't. I'm sorry you have a depressed daughter. I wish I could be the daughter you've wanted and..I'm sorry." I cried, as she took me into a hug.

"You are everything I've always wanted, Teresa. Don't you dare say that you aren't the daughter I wanted." She stroked my hair comfortingly as I sobbed into her shoulder.

I'd rather just be dead.. My life obviously was going to go down the drain anyway.

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I was in the bathroom, staring at my haggard looking eyes in the mirror. Mascara smeared my cheeks as I shook vigorously.

I was so close to doing it.. And I couldn't stop myself.

My chest tightened as I cried out. No.. No no no.

Breathing unevenly, I screamed, tugging at my hair. "Make it stop! M-make it stop!" I yelled, sobbing as I closed my eyes. Clenching my chest, I tried to breathe normally but I couldn't. I felt like I was going to die any moment.