I live in him ☆ Inkerbell

70 9 12
                                    

Author - TITHISURTI

Reviewer - ItsmeAxelle_

Chapters reviewed - 8

First thoughts-

I liked your entire plotline and all the suspense of it so I really found this very interesting!
So, the cover needn't be have the extra image below the two of them, you could just retain only Sid and Avneet and your name of course, and then the title is perfect so kudos!

Your Blurb -

Your blurb was amazing, though you should remove the 'The' at the very beginning, since you start with the character so it will be better if you just keep it as '20 year old renowned..'. And also the part 'But what is the catch?' , I suggest you change it to maybe, 'In this turn of fateful events' or maybe go along a more suspenseful tone, as that entire line kinda puts off readers, but you've done a good job with the blurb, yet, I would strongly suggest you make these changes as you can garner more readers!

Writing technicalities and grammar -

In the prologue, you mention the blurb too, which I felt wasn't necessary, you could have made a separate chapter with the description and also add the casting, since its a fan fiction, a lot of readers would be interested if they could properly visualize their characters so try to include that, also you could have started the prologue with nothing but only the phone call, just a little more extended.
For example when she said the first few lines, I want to know how did she say it? Like was she irritated or tired or was she like saying it in a usual manner, your entire prologue, was quite short, so I suggest you add more descriptions and tones, like maybe she walks around her "80th century style apartment and chuckles to herself" or you could add things like how she is doing something and having these thoughts.
The reason behind this is readers want to experience everything that the main character is feeling, so adding tones and adding more human elements can make the book very interesting.

The next chapter of the nightmare, I strongly suggest you add more, as it is really short, of course, that is your personal choice, but if you could added things like - 'I walk to my kitchen and sit down on my kitchen stool, the dream still fresh in my memory'
You get what I am saying? I'd really like you added more in each chapter, your descriptive skills are awesome, but I keep wanting to know more, because it seems like Avneet is in her own head, there is no connect to her surroundings, so I would suggest you make the writing more refined! 😃
And yes, paragraph breaks between her dialogues and narrations, if you keep writing like an essay, the chapters will automatically become short, so I really need you to add a gap after each element, like after she screams "No! Please no!"
'I screamed' can come in the next line, so this is a very important aspect which makes the book look really polished.

Now for the big accident scene, which is like the crucial point of the book, I will have to give you full marks for the Indian inside joke humour XD (Rohit shetty joke was brillaint!)
But again, since its so important, I would again remind you to add paragraph breaks, between every side thought, like after the first line, then again after the third line, and so on.
And the accident part was way too easy, you can add stuff like 'I was just about to get a glimpse of the driver, and that's when it all happened."
Next line,
"I really don't know what hit me first.."
And so on, you could add more details inside of just hurriedly going on with the plotline, you could say things about maybe how she felt blood on her head, maybe she was numb, just go all out in trying to describe the scenario! Get into the skin of the character, I know you have immense potential.

Chapter 3, where siddarth is introduced, it was well written, but again, you could always add more.
Maybe you can describe his features more, you can describe how the house is, how his mom is, is she lively or is she kind of quiet you know?
The small details can really seem big, you can try to add on to siddarth's description of himself.

Chapter 4, for me went a tad bit too fast, like in order to get an insight of his life, you can add how college went, its a completely creative call you can make, but I felt the day progressed really fast. Also, after the man, Amandeep leaves, siddarth didn't really tend to his mother, like he didn't make a move to make sure she is alright right then, so you can change that!
But the emotions were captured beautifully! So good job on that!

In chapter 5, the major flaw I found was that you could have easily merged 4 and 5 since 5 was a tad bit short. Also the deal, you can show siddarth's thought process over the whole thing, like how he planned it in his head, you can describe the meeting place, what does Amandeep look like etc. I would say, you can add a little more of description after 'I like your deal' , as readers would get a clear idea!

Now, chapter 6,7,8 WOAH! I honestly couldn't fathom how intricately planned your plot is! But I must say what great talent you have man, amazing!
But, again, it was too fast, way too fast, I would say your plot is just amazing and crazy goood, so you need to slow down, describe everything, get into the minds of all your characters and develop the story slower this time!

Final words -

Man! I am still not over how amazing your plot is! I mean from the use of the shipname, to the chronology of the story, to the entire way it pans out, wonderful work!
Having said that, if the story is developed slower and with all the above mentioned plotholes fixed, I guarantee you, this book will really become very popular SidNeet fans and also readers in general!
Have a great day and all the very best!

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So, here was your review, any suggestions or any thing you'd like me to address, feel more than welcome to PM me!❤

Signing off,
Axelle.🐧

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