The Reader's POV: Review Book {CLOSED}

The Heir ☆ DNA

Author: oceanbabyx

Reviewer: _DNA_732

Chapters reviewed: Five.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

1.YOUR COVER:
Your cover is actually quite good. I love the font of your title, fitting for a Harry Potter fanfic. The dark green aesthetic of your cover screams Slytherin to me. All in all, I loved it!

2. YOUR BLURB:
Your blurb is short and concise, and that's a good thing because you didn't reveal too much of the story that way. However I would suggest proofreading it once again, because I did spot a couple of grammatical errors in there.

For example, you've written, "A girl's life changes overnight when she discovers her Hogwart's letter and that she's none other than Slytherin's 'The Heir' herself".

First of all, I don't know if you know this rule, but when a word ends in the letter "S", and if you want to add an apostrophe to indicate possession, you only need to add the apostrophe after the word.

Here's an example, if you wanted to say that a specific pen belonged to a person called Dias, for instance, you're supposed to write,

"That is Dias' pen," rather than, "That is Dias's pen".

Similarly, it's supposed to be "Hogwarts' letter" instead of "Hogwart's letter". Though if I remember right, it was just called a "Hogwarts letter" in the series.

I hope you got my point there.

Second, instead of writing "...Slytherin's "The Heir' herself...", it would have sounded better if you had omitted the "The" from that sentence.

"A girl's life changes overnight when she discovers her Hogwarts letter and that she's none other than 'Slytherin's Heir' herself".

Doesn't that sound much better?

So, do proofread the blurb once again, and make the necessary changes.

3. YOUR WRITING STYLE:
Everyone has a different way of bringing their characters to life, and hence, I'm not going to say much on this.

Your writing is of a very lively kind. And since the protagonist of the story seems to be you yourself, your personality bleeds through your writing.

However, you could have written more and developed this story into a mini novel or an actual Novel. Honestly, my first thought when I finished reading the book was that this could have been much more than a short story. You could have come up with backstories for all your characters, developed your plot and at the end of the day, your readers would have remembered your characters a lot better that way. Think about it.

4. GRAMMATICAL ERRORS/ TYPOS:
You do have a considerable amount of grammatical errors and typos, and now that the book has been completed, it's about time for you to proofread your entire book.

Readers often get irked by the smallest of grammatical errors, and this could be a major turn off for your book. So, to get those extra readers on board, proofread, proofread and proofread.

5. PLOT DEVELOPMENT:
Your plot is definitely one of a kind. Instead of the typical AU fanfics, you have created a universe of your own, where the characters are entirely new, and the main characters of the series are just side characters. I mean, in what other HP fan fiction can I find Harry Potter being mentioned only twice in the entire book?

I am not a huge fan of fan fictions in general, and one of the main reasons for that is because I hate watching the main characters being portrayed in a different light than what I've read in the original book. Your book was a refreshing change from all that and I'm happy to see that you've taken the initiative to carve out an entirely new story from the original one.

However, there were a lot of plot holes in your story. For instance, instead of showing an initial awkwardness when Gia meets her twin brother for the first time, she starts talking to him as if she had known him for years.

Also, Gia accepting the Slytherin house as her own, even though she absolutely despised the Slytherins when she read the books, seems a bit unrealistic. Not to mention that Gia being the heir also seems a little far-fetched because the locket was only meant to go to the purest Slytherin, which seems impossible because Sirius Black was a Gryffindor, and Gia being his granddaughter sort of nullifies that statement.

In short, your plot, though unique, needs to be more realistic.

6.CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:
I don't think I can say much here, because you're the main protagonist and therefore, no one can know the protagonist as much as you.

Even then, in terms of character development, Gia seems almost too perfect, right from the beginning of the story. Notice when I say "too perfect," I mean that she doesn't have a single fault. If your character is perfect, then your readers won't be able to relate with her.

All of us have imperfections, be it in real life or in fiction. And those imperfections are what make a character more real to the reader. So, let your character make some mistakes, let her face some emotional breakdowns from being too pressured. All those are what will make her stronger in the end.

FINAL IMPRESSIONS:
I love how you ended the book, you completed a full circle, coming back to where you were in the beginning, and though the events were all in her mind, the letter from Archer piques the curiosity of the reader as to whether it was actually real.

You have the talent hidden deep inside of you, it is only a matter of honing that talent to your liking. You've got a long way to go, but I'm positive that you can improve and write much better in the future.

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Deena.