Never in a Million Years ✔️

87-Sad

"Hey Bailey-Belle,"

Everyone had been inside and downstairs, I just needed a minute alone. This was the first time everyone was together since we buried him, and it was the first time we weren't crying our eyes out.

I just needed a minute away from it all. I needed a minute to think about things.

I felt guilty. Guilty we were celebrating today without him. Guilty of the fact that we were somewhat happy.

I don't deserve to be happy after what happened to him, it never would've happened in the first place if I wasn't a fucking dumbass.

"Hey grandpa," he'd been coming around more since Beck woke up. He'd been staying in town at a nearby hotel, and would come over every day to check in. He and my dad talked for a long time on Friday and they seemed to be doing better.

My brothers were doing better too, I mean in terms of their relationship with him. They were trying and so was I.

We've already had enough loss, as much as we fought with him, we didn't want to loose our only living grandfather either, especially after he's shown an effort to fix things.

"Why are you up here? The party's downstairs," he grins as he sits beside me on my balcony "You should really put some chairs up here,"

"I wouldn't have enough room to lay down at night," I muster up a grin "I just needed second to think. So much has been going on I haven't had a second to relax, not that I would if I did,"

"What are you thinking about?"

"A lot," I say honestly. It was like a million thoughts were running through my mind, most of them revolving around Jordan. I couldn't stop thinking about him. The last smile, his last words, how everything I look at reminds me of him, how he bled as I held him.

I just wanted to forget it.

"I can't stop thinking about him," a tear slips from my eye. Normally I'd be embarrassed to cry in front of my grandfather but at this point I really don't give two shits. "Everywhere I look I'm reminded of him and I just want it to stop,"

"That's understandable," my grandfather nods

"Whats that?" He questions, looking at the paper sitting beside me. Id just gotten it today in the mail. My last change letter to accept early move in with Stanford.

"It's just a thing from Stanford, an early move in," I huff "I'd been getting these for a while now, this is just a least chance thing,"

"How soon would you be moving if you went?" He questions

"End of this month I'd be going," I nod. It's soon.

"Are you going to do it?"

"God no, I can't right? I mean, it's my last summer with everyone before things start to change? I can't just leave them right?" I question. It felt like I was talking myself out of something.

"I don't know Bailey, things have already changed," he shrugs "Do you want to go?"

"No-no not- well I don't know," getting away would be great, but I can't leave everyone. I can't see them cry because of me leaving.

"Have you talked to anyone else about it?"

"No," I shake my head "I can't, I mean I love it here I couldn't leave,"

"Bailey, you need to do what you feel is best for you." He states "Jordan would want that"

"He would, but-"

"I think it's a great opportunity. You'll be able to go, meet people maybe even make some friends out there before classes start in August," he tells me "But this isn't a decision I can make for you,"