(1) Talk Me Down: An All Time Low Fanfiction Romance

Chapter 44: Shouldn't

        The next day or two, I just felt extremely off. I didn't bother texting Rian when he didn't text me, it could happen sometimes. We could both lose track of where we were, and not have the time to say hello. I didn't know what to feel at that moment, and I knew that iw as in my best interest not to talk to him right now. Not at least, until I figure everything out. I just felt numb, almost frozen.

        I knew that it was melodramatic to feel so down about something I'm not even sure was true. Maybe Katie was talking about a different boy with the same name in school, one with a "y" instead of an "I". And even if he did sleep with her, it can't matter that much. Rian and I both knew what we were getting into when we started talking, or even acting as a couple. Nothing was ever going to come of it, and I couldn't let something that didn't matter make me upset.

        It can't mater, I won't let it matter.

        Lunch was whatever, because Nolan and Lindsey finally broke up. I didn't have to cover my ears to avoid hearing her annoying laugh, or his stupid cackle anymore. But it wasn't because I was bitter, necessarily. I just finally got the chance to realize how annoying he could be, and how over him I actually was. He was just an irritation in my side, just as Jessica could bein school when she was trying to be mean to me or the girls. I didn't think about him much at all, that is, unless I was comparing him to Rian.

        I shook my head at the thought, trying to follow the conversation that Charlotte, Sam and Ronnie were having next to me. I turned my head to the left, listening to Veronica tell an animated story about something that happened in calss. I was never sure how she always managed to have so much to talk about. I wondered if she ever got sick of it like I would.

        The lunchroom was so loud today, at least it felt like that. My head was pounding, and every girls squeal, and booming laugh from guys made me squint in pain. It was too much for me this morning, like I had a hangover or something. But I tried my best to push it to the side of my mind, picking at the fruit salad in front of me. I didn't even know why I bought anything, I wasn't even hungry.

        "Hey, Kara," I froze for a long moment, hearing a voice pull me from my right. It's been over a month since I heard this voice enter my head, and I wasn't sure how it made me feel. I turned, eyes meeting an all too familiar pair at the other end of our lunch table. But it might as well be different countries. Jason, Derek, and Nolan didn't cros over to our side of the fake wood table. We barely made eye contact, let alone spoke.

        "Yeah?" I felt my voice leave my lips, calm and collected. I wasn't sure how I managed that, considering the way that my palms were sweating.

        It made me nervous to talk to Nolan, mostly because of the way that I was still hurt. I might have been over Nolan, but what he did to me, the actions, and the emotions I was forced to feel when we broke up still lingered. I could feel them, tugging at my lungs and heart. I was itching to say something snappy, to stop the conversation.

        "How are you?" He asked, and I felt my eyebrows rise in his direction. Where did this come from?"

        He gave me a crooked smile, the same kind that used to make my heartbeat become erratic. But now it just mad me feel average, normal. Like maybe I was smiling at one of the girls. But there was something that lingered in the back of his eyes, like he knew something I didn't. I forced myself to shrug at him once, scratching the side of my arm awkwardly.

        "Pretty good, you?" I asked, biting the inside of my cheek. He nodded, relief in his gaze before nodding.

        Why was he so concerned if I was feeling alright? Did he realyl think that I would be all torn up inside for weeks after we stopped dating? Like I wouldn't be able to move on from him or something?

        "Alright," he said, swaying his head side to side to show that he was 'so-so'. My head bobbed back, hands falling to my lap with a small, polite smile.

        "That's good," I said quietly, sure that he couldn't actually hear what I said. But I didn't really care all that much. I was never really sure of things, something that is obvious when you know me. But I couldn't have been surer that I was done with Nolan. I didn't need his light brown hair, and his stupid bedroom eyes. They weren't important to me anymore, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders at this realization.

        When I redirected my attenion to Veronica again, she was staring at me with a smirk. I wasn't positive about what she was thinking, but I could tell she was hoping that Nolan and I had something going. I felt myself snort as Rian always did, rolling my eyes at him and shaking my head. Her face fell instantly, and the same guarded expression she's been wearing for days was back on her face.

        She hasn't been the same since this weekend, I could just tell. But I didn't know what it was, because Veronica could always get a lot out of other people but when she wanted to keep things to herself, she would take her secrets to the grave. I didn't bother trying to find out, it was a waste of energy.

        Charlotte gave me a subtle, apologetic smile. She was a comfort with my ordeal with Rian at the moment, and it almost surprised me. She was so against it when she first found out, she was even going to tell Veronica. But now, she was trying to be a good friend to both of us. I wish she didn't have to be pulled in two directions like this.

        Sam and Veronica distracted each other, Veronica pushing her hair out of the way with a loud, girly giggly. He was enticed by thenoise that came out of her mouth, eyes lustful, even in the cafetera. She had Sam wrapped around her finger, just as she had Derek weeks before. I'm sure he still was, by the way he stared at her. She could do that, get people to do things for her at the snap of her finger.

        I turned my head to the side, looking past Jason who was sitting on the opposite side of the table, further to my right. I glanced over his shoulder, seeing a familiar face looking at me. I felt my heart stop while he sent me a small smile. I bit the inside of my lip, unable to return the gesture. I continued to stare, acting as if I was dazed out and looking in his direction. He averted his eyes else where, laughing at something that Jack said.       

        His eyes would find mine every few seconds, like he wasn't sure if I was looking at him or not. I knew my expression was blank, because I didn't know what to feel. So instead, I observed him, and noticed the way Alex's arm fell around a girl he barely knew. She was in my History class, an easy way to get laid. Alex would go after her; it had to be his third girl in a week.

        I noticed the way a group of girls walked over to their table, like they owned the flipping place. THey were a group of juniors like us, and I instantly recognized one of the girls that made herself comfortable, the way her honey blonde hair fell around her face, a sly smirk on her face while drawing Rian's attention to her. Her grinned at Katie, and it made me tighten my grip on my fork.

        "I told you guys" Veronica said with a satisfied smile, looking in the same direction that I was. She had a happy smile on her mouth, and I was trying my hardest to just swallow the spit in my mouth. Charlotte touched my leg lightly, but I shook it off. My eyes continued to watch the group, the way she flirted with Rian, the way he teased her back. It was so obvious now, why was I so idiotic? Why did I think that he was any different than Alex?

        She laughed loudly, leaning into his side when he said something to her. She was throwing herself at him, and he wasn't doing anything about it. He didn't even realize that I was still looking at him, the way that my insides were churning, how badly I waned to throw up.

        It shouldn't have hurt so much. My heart shouldn't have felt like it was being crushed in his palm, like he was knocking the wind out of me. It wouldn't have made me feel like I could eve speak, eyes beginning to water slightly. It shouldn't have made me want to walk over to that stupid Katie Holland and take her down. It shouldn't have made me feel like everything was crumbling around me. Rian and I weren't even together, we couldn't be together. I knew that, I knew it would never work out.

        But I guess it was just me getting my hopes up, praying that maybe Rian would prove me completely wrong. I guess I was mistaken.