begin again - charlie gillespie

chapter 34

madison and jeremy leave around midnight, asking me to call them if i need anything. its now 2 am and i lay in my bed alone for the first time in almost 2 months, feeling nothing but pain and anger as i find myself missing him. 

i wish i didn't miss him

i feel the familiar stinging in my eyes as they well up with tears again. visions of him sleeping next to me and waking up to his arms around me, the color of his eyes as the sun rose and the light hits him. missing the way he feels like home. 

i wish i didn't let him in again 

i think back to the first day on set, when i saw him again for the first time in years. i felt like passing out. i didnt want to be anywhere near him, wounds that took years to heal ripped open in a matter of seconds. 

i think of his face when i first decided to be civil with him. how he instantly lit up and his smile grew so wide, i couldnt help but smile too. how it felt to be in his arms again after so many years of deprivation. i think about his crying face after he told me why he left in the first place, how pained he was to tell me the truth. i think about how i held him, wishing i could take away all his pain. 

i think about the glint in his eyes when he would flirt with me, his playful smile and his witty remarks. his canadian accent peeking through when he does. i think about his laugh, how much i would love hearing it resonate through the apartment. i think about our first kiss after many years, missing the feeling of euphoria every single time his lips met mine. 

i think back to earlier today, his lips on tori's. the look in his eyes when he saw me. the pain pulsing through my heart again.

i wish i didnt love him

i sit up from my laying position, finding it hard to breathe again. my face completely drenched in tears as i try to steady my breathing. 

i cant be here. i need to get out. 

i quickly stand up, throwing a hoodie over my head. i run quickly to the bathroom, splashing my face with water to get rid of the dried tears. i grab my car keys and open the door, stopping instantly as i see charlie sitting in front of it with flowers in his hand. 

his swollen tired eyes find mine, scanning my face as his fill up with tears again. he starts to move his lips but nothing comes out. finding a hard time to learn what to say. 

"ive been waiting out here for hours. i didn't have the courage to knock knowing the pain i must've caused" he says quietly 

"olivia, please, please just hear me out. i just need to you listen, please. please just give me a chance to explain." 

i dont say anything, my face emotionless. i debate on whether or not to hear him out. i feel unsure as i walk back into my apartment. leaving the door open for him to walk in. 

he scrambles from the floor, running into my apartment and closing the door. i take a seat on my couch as he stands in front of me, placing the flowers on the coffee table. he starts to pace around as i hug my legs, waiting for him to continue. 

"i want to start by saying you have every single right to be upset, furious even. and if at any point you want me to leave, i will but i will try again tomorrow, or the next day. and the next day. and for the rest of my life. anything to make you believe me." he says, pacing from the tv back to my spot on the couch. 

"olivia i swear to you, i did not kiss tori. she kissed me." he slowly says before continuing. "i stormed out of the set after feeling like such a loser, causing kenny to stop a scene. who does that? all because i was over reacting and being dumb." 

he stops pacing and faces me, playing with his hands as he continues. 

"tori followed me and i even told her i wasnt in the mood for her to be talking to me but she didnt listen. and she was even defending you when i was explaining why i was mad! which makes this all more confusing, i dont know what's going through her head. and suddenly she asks me if you've said 'i love you' to me and then she just grabbed my face and kissed me!" he yells as he falls on to his knees before me. 

"i should have listened to you all those times you said you didn't trust her. i thought she was only being friendly but you saw her clearly. you were right and you don't even know how much i regret it at this very moment. seeing you so broken makes me hate myself more than ever. i regret everything olivia but please believe me when i say, i didnt kiss her. she kissed me, and it meant absolutely nothing to me." he breathes out scooting closer to me, tears streaming down his face. 

"why didn't you pull away?" i ask trying to keep myself together. 

"i did, what you saw was me pulling away. i was just so confused and caught off guard it took me a second to realize what had just happened. the second it clicked i pulled away from her. im so so so sorry olivia please, i dont want to lose you again." 

i pull my legs tighter to my chest, trying not to meet his eyes. a part of me wants to forgive him and forget this whole thing never happened. but the bigger part of me cant ignore the pain im feeling right at this moment, the way ive been feeling the whole day. the way i felt seeing them.

"charlie i- i just need some time." 

"please olivia, i will never go near her again. you've got to believe me. you're the only one for me, you always have been." he grabs my hands, pulling them to his chest as he cries. 

"i just need some space to think about everything. i need to process everything that happened and think things through. just give me a couple of days." i feel my eyes start stinging again as they take in charlie's bloodshot ones. he bring my hands in his up to his lips, pressing a long kiss on them. 

"ill give you space, i will wait an entire lifetime for you. whenever you're ready ill be here, waiting." he stands up, bring me with him as he does. "im more sorry than you'll ever know." he says giving my hands one last squeeze before letting them go, turning around and leaving me alone with my thoughts and my confused heart. 

a.n.

hi babes

i missed you guys so much, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter. please vote and comment! even if you dont vote, i love reading the comments lol 

what do you guys think olivia should do? 

ALSO charlie posting that tik tok of him singing that shawn mendes song in the shower was damn near disrespectful. the hair. his voice. the 3 in 1 body wash on the floor. had me simping AGAIN.