Dear diary, only 34 days left. I'm mad and angry. I can't stop imagining his hands on her. He touches her, he strokes her, he kisses her. He makes love to her. I'm going to throw up. I see her every day. She wears his jacket as if it really belongs to her. I want to take her away. It doesn't suit her, she has no right to wear it. Samantha could wear my clothes. Eleanor can't wear Louis ' clothes if he's just fucking her. I think that's the worst part. She wears his jacket in exchange for spending the night together. These images don't leave my head. I imagine their intertwined bodies. I can imagine them shouting each other's names. I think I'm going to explode. I didn't touch it yesterday, I did it. When he refused to get out of my car, I restrained myself. I didn't hit him, even though I wanted to, but I didn't. You could say I'm going forward. I haven't slept since I left him on the side of the road, and I'm very tired of the new pills. I need to go get some rest, or I won't last. Good night.
***
«33»
«How are you doing? »
«This is the first time you've asked me how I'm doing.»
«This is not an answer.»
«You never answer my questions, so I think I have every right to do the same.»
«I've answered your question many times. You're the one who refuses to accept the answer.»
«Because I don't believe you.»
«Why?»
«Something will happen in 33 days, but you refuse to tell me what.»
«Can we change the subject? »
«No.»
«Louis.»
«Do you want me to ask your name again?»
«Stop it.»
«Or what? Will you log out and not respond for a few days? I'm used to it now.»
«Are you so mad about your forehead patch?»
«I'm not mad. And how did you know I had a Band-Aid on my forehead?»
«I saw you at the campus.»
«I'm not angry. I fell in training.»
«No, you're angry. Why do you lie?»
«You're annoying me. How do you know I'm lying? »
«Does it make you angry that I tell you you're angry? Yesterday, your forehead was fine, and today you have a Band-Aid, and you didn't have any training between times...»
«Are you watching me that much? »
«I love the paradox. Yes.»
«Why are you watching me?»
«Because I need it.»
«You know it's weird..»
«I know. Does it bother you?»
«No, it bothers me that I don't know who's watching me.»
«You won't tell me what happened to your forehead, will you?»
«No. You won't tell me who you are, will you?»
«No.»
«Pleasant dreams, Anonymous.»
«And you, Louis.»
***
Do you know the moment when you are nervous, angry, hate someone and react impulsively? You ignore people who tell you to stop because you will regret what you have done, or those who tell you to think carefully before taking action. But you don't care, because at this moment you are one hundred percent sure that you are right, and that it is stronger than you. And then comes the worst part - the moment when all the anger evaporates. When you calm down and start to reproach yourself for what you did. You feel like an idiot because yes, if you listened to people's advice, you wouldn't be in total shit right now. But you're too proud to admit it. Because no, we never say to someone, " If I had listened to you, nothing would have happened to me." And then we don't care about all the advice given to us, because it's too late. Then we start thinking about the reasons for our anger, and it gets even worse, because if we think about it, it just turns everything upside down, and we start blaming ourselves for all the mistakes. Even if they are common, if we think about them all the time, we convince ourselves that we are to blame for everything. And it's just lousy. All doubts and remorse fall like snow on your head. We want to go and apologize, but our stupid pride won't let us. So we scroll through it in our thoughts, asking ourselves what to do. Remorse turns to anger again. After all, we didn't do this shit ourselves! And we get angry at the other person for not being able to be angry at them, and we only get angry at ourselves. Things are getting too confusing. But this is not the same anger that was in the beginning. There is no more impulsiveness that makes us do stupid things that we will regret. No, we're just angry because we don't know what to do, and we feel bad because we've thought so much. We want to just forget everything, but we can't, because it's not that easy. After all, because we thought so much, words and actions will not be erased. You can't come back the next day and say, " Let's just forget it happened." Because it won't work. We will not forget, but only pretend. And at the first opportunity, the words will come out and make it even more painful. Well, I've thought about it so much that now my head hurts and I just want it to stop, so that everything will be better. We repeat to ourselves that we have realized our mistake, and that next time we will think twice before speaking. And still no answer. And the worst part is that we can accept our mistakes as much as we want, but we'll still do the same next time. Because we didn't understand anything. It doesn't make any difference whether we realize our mistakes or not, because we're just too stupid not to screw it up again. Because when we are angry, we don't think. Because we're too stupid and proud. Because actions mean more than words, and because words replace actions.
Because Louis is mad at Harry, and he shuts himself down to Anonymous.
And because it closes, Anonymous opens to it.
I run away, you follow me.
I follow you, you run away.
It turns out that this is an endless cycle.
After all, philosophy is easier than mathematics.
YOU ARE READING
The Degradation (translation)
FanfictionI was the real stereotype of the ideal life. Yeah, damn stereotypes. And then I met him. With his green eyes, with his weirdness... And with his illness. "What would you do if you only had 100 days to live?" - Anonymous "I don't know. Probably wou...
