The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 26

Milan Kundera said: "the basis of shame is not some mistake that we have made, but the shame and humiliation of having to be who we are and not of our own free will, and the unbearable feeling that this humiliation is visible from all sides."I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed of what I've done, ashamed of who I am.

***

Louis' pov

Monday

"Oh, is this a joke?"

I look at the van that is usually rented for moving furniture.He looks worse than some reincarnated monster. The salesman is standing in front of me, looking at me strangely.

"Is something wrong?"

"Isn't there a smaller car?"

"No, there are only bigger cars."

"How am I going to ride alone? I won't even be able to see what's going on behind me."

"Well, I told you, there's also home delivery."

"Exactly, but then it won't be delivered until the end of the week, will it?"

"Yeah."

I shake my head.

"No, that won't do. It's too late. I need this carpet by Thursday at the latest."

Because if all goes well, and all goes well, Harry will be out of the hospital on Friday morning. I found out about it yesterday, and that's when I was too excited. Today is Monday, and I'm already counting the days, hours, and even tried to count the minutes and seconds to know exactly when it's coming out.

All evening and all night I searched for a carpet that looked like his old one. I can't see those

towels on the floor anymore, hiding the remnants of blood. I don't want any more. I don't want to think about what happened in his room. I still remember the words he said when I first came here. "I feel good in my room." I want it to be like this. I want him to feel comfortable in his room. Even better than before. I know I could have washed the stains off the floor, but I couldn't. I couldn't make them disappear completely. A new carpet was the best and perhaps the only solution. I knew I needed just such a carpet. I'd screwed up enough when I'd convinced him to paint the wall behind the bed dark blue so I'd be surrounded by stars. I needed to find exactly the same model. Exactly the same. After many hours of working on the computer, I found him in a furniture store that is not far from his home.

After my visit to Harry, I went to the furniture store and of course didn't tell him about it. When I reached my destination, I loaded the carpet into the Cadillac and proudly began to pull out of the parking lot. But it wasn't. The carpet is too big. It's even bigger than the car and started to get out of the trunk. Even the back doors don't close. It seems worth finding a seller and solving this problem.

And then we were standing together in the parking lot, in front of us was a van with a picture of the store where I bought the carpet. The seller is waiting for my decision.

"Okay, I'll rent it."

Either way, I just don't have a choice. I don't want a carpet bigger than a car in this parking lot forever.

After filling out all the paperwork and leaving my ID and deposit check, I can finally go. I drive very carefully and am glad when I finally get home. Harry's father is standing outside, getting ready to go to work. I roll down the window to talk to him.

"What are you doing in that van?"

"I bought a new carpet."

I can see in his eyes that he understands what I'm talking about. He nods.