The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 24.1

"Someone once said to me, 'If you accept sadness, you can't be happy.' It seems that I have accepted the sadness that is in me, I have allowed it to destroy me, depriving myself of the right to be happy. I was wrong when I thought Louis could save me."

***

Louis' pov

"Like this?" 

I take the small mirror that is handed to me and look into it.

"A little to the left."

He touches the cotton soaked in some liquid to my skin and erases the pattern.

"Here?"

"Yes."

"Good." 

I give him the mirror. He starts to prepare the tools, and I get scared. Especially at the sight of a needle.

"Is this your first tattoo?"

"Yes. Does it hurt?" I try to look as calm as I can, but it doesn't work.

He shrugs his shoulders. 

"Be patient," he says, looking at me. It's easy for him to talk, with his three-kilometer beard and tattoos all over his body. Later, I hear the sound of a machine with a needle, which now resembles a chainsaw. "Are you ready?" 

No.

"Ready." 

I'll try to bear it. I can't stand pain, and when it comes to such huge needles, it's a different conversation altogether. No, seriously, I can barely contain myself when I give blood for tests, and here is a tattoo. But I want this tattoo. He comes up to me, and I dream of falling through the ground.

"Relax." 

Easy to say. I close my eyes and try to force myself to breathe calmly, and I really feel better. I thought I was going to convulse, but no. This is tolerable. The man smiles at me.

"I told you you'd survive."

"What? Is that all? Honestly, I was expecting something worse."

"You know, a tattoo like that is a real proof of love. Who is this lucky girl? "H"?

"Harry." 

He's surprised for a second, but then he smiles.

"I think it's cool. Well, you know, with all the resolution of the gay marriage and so on. The world isn't perfect, but it's good that people are slowly starting to accept other people."

***

"Do you think he'll like it?" 

I ask Bastard, looking at my naked torso in the mirror. He sits at the entrance to the bathroom and looks at me, wagging his tail. He looks pleased. Since Harry had spoken to me three days ago, my mood had improved noticeably, as had Bastard's. He went back to playing in the garden. I'm still looking at the "H" tattoo on my shoulder. Exactly in the same place where Harry has a tattoo of "L". I really don't know how I came up with this. This one means so much to me, really. This is my first tattoo, and I think I made the right choice. But I'm still excited about the idea of showing it to him. I'll wait until the skin heals. I want everything to be perfect when he sees her.

There hasn't been any progress since that conversation, but I still think he's taken a big step. He started drinking on his own, but still refuses to eat. But at least it proves that he wants to pull through. And I don't think he's completely changed in those three days. It's going to take some time, but I know we're on the right track.