The Degradation (translation)

Samantha and Harry 5

I've been here for an hour and still haven't said a word. I can't even talk to you now. Since my mother left, I can't talk to anyone at all, I can't write in my diary, I feel so terrible, but I can't explain exactly why. I think I should be angry, but I don't feel any anger, just frustration and emptiness. I made a mistake somewhere, did something wrong and didn't even notice it. I always accidentally do something wrong. Mom can understand, she deserved a better child.

And I feel even worse, because I should be happy. All children are happy when they find out that their mothers are pregnant. I'm a terrible person. Only terrible people are not happy that they will have a brother or sister. Simply... I always knew I was a mistake, even if my father denied it; he was only trying to deceive me, as usual. But I understand that my mother never wanted me, that's okay. She put up with me just because it happened, I know. I always tried to please her, but I told myself that if I loved her enough, she would love me too. But it didn't work. She's gone, and I'm most sorry for my father, because she left him because of me. That's why we have such a bad relationship, I hate myself so much for ruining his life that I can't communicate with him properly.

So I understand that my mother never loved me and that it's my fault, but... Why is she willing to love another child? Why is she willing to try with him instead of me? The problem is, I want her to love him. Whoever he is, he deserves a loving mother, and he doesn't have to go through all that I went through. This child is not to blame for anything, he did not decide to be born himself. It's all her fault. And him. Her fiance. Antonio. I hate him so much. And her. Everyone.

Yesterday I went to my father, it was difficult, but I asked him to take off his wedding ring. I know he only wore it for me, because he realized that I was still hoping that they would be together again. But he shouldn't do that, Sam, he shouldn't. He doesn't have to suffer any more because of me.

I lied, Sam, but I still want her to call. I want news, I want her to say that everything is fine, that she is back in some interesting country, that she will come to visit me soon. But she won't call. Maybe six months from now, as always, though I doubt it. Why would she call me when I'm just messing things up? I'm trying, Sam, I really am. I try not to be such a bad person, I try to behave normally so that people do not leave me. I just don't seem capable of it.

Two days ago, Louis told me why he loved me. But that's just now. He's not stupid, he will understand that I'm not worth it to mess with me. Why is he still doing this? You were different, you were sick, you had the same cockroaches in your head as I did, but Louis is fine. I pull him down, and quickly and irrevocably, I can't give him anything good. Sam, since he met me, he's been sick a lot more than before. When I watched him, he was always laughing, always happy, and now he's either sad because I feel bad, or because of problems with his father. They are also my fault, by the way. Deep down, I know I have to let him go, stop dragging him down, but it's impossible, it's the only thing I can't do. I'm selfish and I love him too much. How I love him, Sam, you can't even imagine, I've never loved anyone so much. That is... No, I'm sorry. I loved you, you know that. But it's different with him, as if I live through him, as if I become a part of him. I can't explain it, but every part of me needs him. I somehow imagined his death... If he ever disappears, I won't survive. I won't even try. 

I managed to survive your death thanks to him, but if he is gone, I will die on the same day.

I'm shutting him out, I just can't talk to him. He's suffering from my problems, Sam, he's suffering because of me. You suffered for me, too, and I didn't talk to you either. Look at how it ended, look at what I do to people. There are walls around me and I can't break them down. I know he'll get tired of it someday. He will understand that he deserves better and just thinking about it makes me unable to breathe.

Help me, Sam, I don't know what to do. Louis will be better off without me, but I can't live without him, not for a second. I have these obsessive thoughts about death again, I can't help it. But I can't do that to Louis, he thinks he loves me, thinks he cares about me. I grab onto it to keep from doing it. I'm some kind of weight that people voluntarily tie to their leg and pull them down. Why did my mother's pregnancy so cripple me, what's wrong with me? I'm tired of knowing I'm sick and not having the faintest idea how to cure myself. I'm tired of being afraid of losing Louis. He doesn't deserve it, you should have heard what he said to me that night, I even cried. I love him so much. He has no idea. He also has no idea that he deserves to be loved by someone better. He's so special, Sam. I don't know why he's so fixated on me.

He says I make him happy, but I still feel like I'm ruining him. Andy thinks it's all in my head, that I've just found another way to punish myself. Do you think he's right?

I don't know what to do, Sam. Help me. Do something!

I'm sorry, I don't want to talk anymore. I want to go home. Be happy wherever you are. Love you.