The Degradation (translation)

Samantha and Harry 2

32 days after the end of the countdown.

Hey, Sam...I brought you a red rose. Don't ask me why, I don't know. You always hated flowers. I don't know what to do with it now... I'll put it here, okay? She's beautiful. The red color stands out very much on the black marble. You don't look so empty, so lonely. I think I'll bring you flowers more often, you can scold me all you want. What will it change? I won't be able to hear you scold me anymore. You're gone... Scold. If you were here, that's all you'd be doing. I'm pathetic, Sam. I'm just pathetic. This morning... Again. I couldn't do it. I dropped him again. I can't do it. The sun would soon rise, and in a few hours he would wake up alone again. I'm mad at you, it's your fault. He doesn't deserve it... I shouldn't be mad at you, but I can't just blame myself anymore. I need to blame someone else. I'm losing, Sam. I lose all the time, and not just with him. I'm losing to myself. It feels like I'm falling without seeing the bottom... Remember my overdose? After that, I quit drugs, but... I started again a couple of weeks ago. My father found out about it a few days ago, and threatened to send me back there. I can't go back there, Sam. I can not. I can't take a third time. He doesn't understand that I need it. He doesn't understand that it's because of them that I'm standing on my feet. See, when I said I was pathetic, I wasn't lying. I'm ashamed of myself... I find it hard to contain my anger. Someone insulted Louis in front of me, and I lost control. I felt all the anger I only felt when Zayn was hurting you. I could have killed that guy, Sam. If coach hadn't stepped in, I would have... I don't want to lose, Sam. Don't want to become the person I was before. I don't want Louis to see me like this. If he starts to be afraid of me, I can't stand it. He takes up more and more space in my life every day. He means a little more to me every day. I need him, Sam, I can't lose him because of all my mistakes... I bought him a toothbrush.

You must have seen me at the supermarket, I picked it out for almost an hour. I hesitated, not knowing what color to choose, what brand. Like it's important... But it's important. For me. It's the first thing I give him, and it probably means a lot more to me than it does to him. I need to have a piece of it in my house all the time. This brush shows that even when he is not around, he is still with me. It shows that he will return...That he wouldn't leave me like everyone else.

I didn't mean to get so attached to him, Sam, but... He makes me smile. When I'm with him, I feel good. After you left, I forgot what it was like. But it's nice not to feel terrible, at least from time to time. But I still can't stop being mad at myself. I still feel like I'm betraying you. Guilt keeps reminding me that I have no right to be happy without you... You know what's the worst part? Now, I feel like I'm betraying him, too. Yesterday was our first real date, and I shouldn't be here. I have to be with him. I have no right to leave him like this. Not after all he's done for me. I'm not supposed to be with you, I'm supposed to be with him.

I don't understand, Sam... I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm afraid to disappoint him, I'm afraid to lose him... Because of fear, I lose myself. I'm sorry that I talk about him every time, but I need it. You left me behind. I need to go ahead, Sam. I need your support. I need to know that you're not mad at me for going ahead without you.

I'm sorry, I just realized I tore up the rose while I was talking. I must have been playing with the petals. You know, I wondered if he loved me or not. But what's the difference? I know how I feel.

I think I love him, Sam. I really do.

I'm lost. I'm so scared, Samantha. I'm afraid to love him. I'm afraid to ruin everything. I'm afraid of everything. I need you. So needed... Don't leave me now. Help me. I couldn't love you the way you deserved, and I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake with him.

***

«Haz... My angel. You have no idea how proud I am of you. I see you every day trying to go forward without giving up. He loves you, Haz, he really does. If you could see the way he looks at you. Notice the sparkle that appears every time he sees you. Like you're the most beautiful person he's ever met. And that's what you are, Haz, you're beautiful, but you don't see it. You never appreciated yourself. You hate yourself so much that you don't notice all the good things that are in you. Louis sees it. He sees it the way I saw it. He sees things in you that you don't see for yourself. And I trust him. I know that one day he will make you love again. You have a long and difficult road ahead of you, but don't stop, my love. Don't stop fighting, because this is happiness. It's very close. He holds out his hands to you. Waiting for you. You deserve to be happy, Haz. More than anyone else in the world. Don't be afraid to open up, don't be afraid to make a mistake, don't be afraid to fall, because now there is someone who will catch you. Be yourself, honey. Show him who you really are, because you're a wonderful person. You can give him so much. And Louis deserves to have it all. Love him, Haz, love him as he loves you. It'll be all right, I promise you, because you're not alone anymore. He's with you. He's here for you.

I look at you every day. And I'll never quit. Live, Harry. Live for me, for him, for yourself. Don't stop. I will always be near you, in your heart. You were right, Haz, his smile is beautiful. I understand why you love him so much. Open your eyes, my angel. Open them and you will see that he is smiling for you. Smile for him, Haz, because up here I'm smiling for you. Your smile is also beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful.Smile at the angels, Harry. You've got two of them now. I will always love you.»

-Samantha.