The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 19

"I don't want to die, I don't want to. I just can't help it, as if this desire doesn't depend on me, as if it lives on its own. The only problem is that it lives in me. I'm tired of being myself." 

***

Louis' pov

"And then she said... Hey! Are you listening to me?"

"What?" 

"Asshole."  

And he's right, I'm an asshole, he's been crucifying himself for an hour, telling me the fascinating story of his relationship, but I don't listen to a word. We're on the team bus, we're going to spend the whole weekend in Doncaster, the coach managed to get us a group invitation to a local team match, and for God's sake, how can I concentrate on someone else's girlfriend when my own relationship and textbook can't be sorted out. So. It's Liam. Pull yourself together. At least pretend you've got the gist of the story. 

"You were talking about Danielle?" 

"Yes."  

"Well, of course. Sorry, go on, I'm listening." 

From what I understand, she had a fight with some girl at the party because she was always hanging around Liam or something. 

"Well, this pink elephant..."

"Huh? Pink elephant?!"  

Liam laughs out loud. 

"You weren't listening!" 

"No, I did, honestly!"

"Then where did the pink elephant come from?" 

I have a huge temptation to advise him to smoke less weed, then elephants will not be seen, and he will not bother me with such questions.

"I'm sorry. Again. My mind is somewhere else today."  

"Yes, I noticed. Something about Harry?"  he turns to me, and I nod. "Tell me?" 

And I don't even know what to tell him. He already knows about what happened to Harry's mom, that incompetent psychologist, and so on. Only it's been a week, and I thought I'd be able to cheer him up, but no. Not a drop. 

"There's nothing I can do, and it pisses me off. I'm useless."  

"Don't say that."

"But it's true."  

Liam sighs, because I've said it a hundred times before. 

"Maybe you should sort out your problems before you think about his." 

I frown. 

"I don't have a problem."  

"And your father?" 

"Liam, for God's sake, I don't care about him."  

"That's not true," he clears his throat a little. "All I'm saying is that you'll have a better chance of fixing someone if you're not broken yourself."

And then I laugh. 

"Stop playing the connoisseur, you gave your girlfriend a pink elephant."

"You were listening."  

"Of course I was listening, you idiot."  

***

We arrived in Doncaster late in the afternoon, and the match will only be tomorrow afternoon. The coach assigned the couples to the rooms and told us to behave, otherwise: "Our bodies will be found on the roof with a baseball bat in the ass." Of course, Liam and I are in the same room, and-of course: the evening went exactly as the coach did not want.