The Degradation (translation)

Harry's Diary 5

Dear diary,

This night isn't over yet, but I already feel like it's the beginning of something bad. The last time I felt so helpless was when I was with Samantha.

Louis was lying with his back to me, crying. Crying, clenching his fists and thinking I was asleep. But I couldn't sleep for a second. I wrapped my hand around his stomach and immediately felt him cling to it with a death grip and began to sob many times harder. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to behave. I would like to find the right words, but... They weren't there. So I just hugged him, hoping he would calm down. He fell asleep and the deeper he fell into sleep, the more everything around him collapsed.

I had the feeling that he had turned into Samantha. I swear to God, for a moment I felt like he was her, I thought I could hear her crying. I felt as helpless as if I'd seen him fall, but I couldn't get the rope to help him up.

Louis feels it every time I close up, right? How does he handle it? Nothing in life is more pressing than these moments. How many did he have? I - I don't want that. I feel like a child who accidentally destroyed the sand castle that I've been working on for so long. Louis can't fall just because he brought me to the surface.

I want him to know that I'm here. When his father hit him, I could barely control myself. I didn't feel so angry even when I saw Zayn hit Samantha. This time it was Louis who was being touched, and no one should touch Louis. I love him. Damn, I love him so much. I would have smeared his father on the spot, but I didn't want to hurt Louis any more. No one should hurt him. I don't think I realized until that moment how much he meant to me and what I was willing to do for him. On everything. I'm willing to do anything, I'm willing to give my life.

Literally, because without him, it doesn't make sense.

It's hard for me to write, his head is on my left hand. It's so complicated. I can't imagine my life without him while his own begins to crumble.

Now I'm not afraid of what's in me, but of what's in him.

He should not pretend to be strong when he is really bad. Not with me. Louis is ashamed of being weak, and that's exactly the trait that ruins everything. Everyone has the right to be weak when life is shitty.

I hate his father. I hate the fact that I can't hate him because Louis loves him. I know that's not what he said yesterday, but he's still his father. It's all my fault, but I don't feel guilty. If I feel guilty, I'll admit that loving him is wrong. And there's nothing wrong with that. Even if our love destroys everything around us, it is still beautiful. This is not a mistake.

And even if it was a mistake, it was the most beautiful mistake of my life.

We can only hope that the beautiful mistakes do not end like the rest.

I hope I never feel so helpless again. I've never believed in the boomerang effect, and I won't let it happen to us. I hope his relationship with his family gets better. He doesn't have to suffer because of me.

Louis will wake up soon. It's time for me to go.

- H.