The Degradation (translation)

Let Him Go To Hell

"I want to disappear. I want to disappear. I want to disappear."

***

Louis' pov

The road is blurred with tears, and my hands are gripping the steering wheel painfully. I'm shaking so much that I can't drive properly. I can't believe what just happened. His body was in front of my eyes. His cuts. And I'm putting so much pressure on the gas pedal that it's going to fall off. How could he do this? How could he torture himself like this? He just said he doesn't want to see me anymore. He couldn't, he had no right. Yeah, I screwed up. Yeah, I was a total jerk. The landscape outside the window becomes more and more indistinct, and the further away his house is, the more inevitable my fall is. His words ring in my head like an annoying record. I wipe the tears from my eyes with one hand. It's one of those useless gestures that everyone makes without really knowing why. After all, after a few seconds, the tears become even more. How can he think I'm better than him? How can he feel pathetic around me? Of the two of us, he's the only one who's sick, but when I'm with him, I feel like there's something wrong with me. He has no right to think himself inferior to me. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe. And these marks, these scars, how could I not notice? I touched him, stroked him. I had to feel them. It feels like everything is floating around. It's like the world is a low-quality jelly and some jerk shoved it in the microwave. I'm lost. I didn't save him, I did a shitty job and didn't help a bit. I let him fall. I watched him fall without noticing. I didn't do anything. I've ruined everything. He doesn't want to see me anymore. "I never want to see you again." These words. I can hear them, as if he's still standing in front of me. It's like his fists are still shaking with anger. I see his green eyes, expressing all the pain that a human can feel. How could everything be so degraded? So that's what it's like? To be with a broken heart? No. No, I refuse. I didn't sign up for this. I didn't fall in love to suffer like this. I didn't start loving him so he could rip my heart out. I hit the steering wheel and I can't take all these tears anymore. I wanted to help him so much. He has no right to push me away. Doesn't have the right.

He has no rights...

"FUCK!"

I didn't have time to notice anything. I drove at random. The truck's bright headlights are coming straight at me, and I can't see anything. I close my eyes and hear only the loud and insistent honking of the horn. I spin the steering wheel and barely have time to pull over to the side of the road, almost crashing into a tree by the side of the road. I look in the rearview mirror. Huge headlights are removed. Time seemed to have stopped. My whole body is shaking, and for the first time I can hear my own heartbeat so clearly.

What. Was. That.

It all happened quickly. Too fast. My hands are firmly on the steering wheel, and cold sweat runs down my back as my body convulses. I'm going to faint. I unbuckle my seat belt and open the door, falling to my knees.

I threw up. There's too much in my head. Headlights, blades, his tears, my tears, the truck, his words, his scars. Scars. I think of his scars again, and I feel even more sick. I just feel sick inside out. I'm in shock. About everything. I didn't think heartache could make you sick. It turns out that it can. I feel my stomach clench as I throw up on the side of the road. When will it end? And those damn blades are still running around in front of my eyes. I was throwing up forever. I can't take it anymore. I grab a bottle of water from the car and fall heavily into the front seat. I don't have the strength anymore, I'm exhausted. I don't know what's real and what's not. I scan the road with a blank stare. When I woke up, everything was perfect. It was the best morning of my life. Obviously, good dreams always end in nightmares. Because that's what's happening right now. A nightmare. I remember everything from the beginning. How he pushed me at the entrance to the auditorium and didn't apologize. How I got the first message. That was 162 days ago. It's almost two in the morning, Monday, the 162nd day since I thought I'd saved him. I have to send him this countdown because... Should I? Isn't that part of "I never want to see you again"? I also lost Anonymous. I know. I've lost them both, and I'm going to lose myself soon.