The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 15

"I have always believed that life is directly related to mathematics. Happiness is always zero, no matter what we do. After 1 there is always -1, and after -1 there is always 1. When one person dies, another is born. Dead equals -1, alive +1, and we all know that -1+1=0 and that 1-1=0. For me, happiness has always been a chain of equations. If one person is happy, the other must be unhappy. It's a kind of galactic equilibrium, a rule designed to prevent people from living so easily. I was -1 and Louis was +1. And I couldn't even imagine that one day Louis would become -1."

***

Louis' pov

"By the way, did Styles agree?"

"What?"

One o'clock. Liam and I had the same schedule for the first time in a long time, so we decided to go to the park opposite the university. He leans against a tree, and I lie on my stomach, reading notes and chewing cornflakes.

"Styles, about -"

"Harry."

I don't like it when he calls him Styles. It feels like we've gone back a few months and Harry's back to being that weird guy who doesn't mean anything to us. I know Liam didn't mean to, but I still feel like it's putting them off. He smiles because we've already discussed this.

"Right, Harry. About your parents' appointment, did you talk to him?"

"Yes, yesterday. He agreed."

"And he's not worried?"

"I have no idea, Liam, I'm the one who's going to have a seizure."

Liam's mouth twists and he shrugs, and I pour a handful of cereal into my hand. He knows my parents very well, knows their mentality very well. It's going to be terrible. Especially with my father. He's one of those people who has nothing against homosexuality if he doesn't knock on their door. One of those people who say they are for equality of love, but only if it does not concern their family. Such people are even worse than homophobes. Homophobes at least admit that they are goats, and people like my father pretend that love is one, although in fact they are ready to kill their own son for his desires. I hope I don't become that son.

Every year my parents organize a charity reception in support of some organization. This year, they chose a company that builds wells in poor cities in Africa, or something like that. Honestly, I don't know, and I doubt that they will be able to answer this question themselves. This is just another way to show everyone their social status, feed everyone expensive snacks, and in the end write a fat check to the association, without even knowing who exactly it is intended for. It's not a question of help – it's a question of image. And the image in my family is valued more than gold.

So it took me a long time to decide whether to invite Harry or not. But I don't want to hide it anymore, I don't want to hear my mother tell me about all the single girls in the city, while I love one single person to the point of losing my pulse, who even in the dark and from a distance doesn't look like a girl. I could hide our relationship for a long time, but it looks like I'm ashamed of Harry, which is far from the case.

Yesterday I woke up first, Harry sleeping peacefully beside me, his head resting on my torso and his arm wrapped around my waist. He always does that. Probably to keep me from leaving, even if I'm not going to. I watched him sleep for a long time, stroked his hair, and made a decision in the same second. As soon as he opened his eyes, I invited him to the reception. He's the most beautiful creature in the whole wide world, and it's a crime to hide him. It needs to be shown, it needs to be talked about, it needs to be admired. I want people to be proud of me because I have such a beautiful boyfriend, I want them to understand how lucky I am, I want my parents to accept him. I'm their son, after all, especially the only one. So yeah, Harry's a guy, but what the hell difference does it make? I'm happy, and if they don't like it, that's their problem.