The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 18

There is a Polish proverb that says: "Great is the love of a mother, then of a dog, then of a lover." What nonsense is this? Bastard and Louis love me ten times more than their own mother.

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Louis' pov

Leaving Harry was insanely difficult, but I had to. This time was different from all the others. He really wanted me to leave. I know my boyfriend, I know when his "leave" means "stay", but this is not the case. His "go away" meant "go away," and it hurts so much because this is the first time this has happened. It was the first time he'd asked me to leave, and that was the only reason I'd done it, because my presence would have hurt him. It's very hard to admit that he pushed me away when he should have needed to. I have no idea what happened to his mother or what she said to him. Although I'm sure his reaction has nothing to do with me. I did the same thing when I had a fight with my parents. I pushed Harry away and disappeared for a few weeks. Eventually he'll realize he needs me. But not now.

I haven't heard from him in five days, and as ironic as it sounds, I'm only holding on because of what his father told me three days ago. I was very worried about Harry, I couldn't find a place for myself, so I decided to stop by his house. His car wasn't there, so I knocked on the front door and his father opened it for me. He said that Harry wasn't all right (what news), but that he would keep an eye on him and I needed to give him some time. It was the first time I'd ever seen his father so tired, even though with his night shifts, he should be like this every day. It's like he's psychologically exhausted. I don't know why, but I trust him. He looks at Harry the way my father never looked at me. With a desire to protect, or something. I didn't ask any questions about Julia, didn't even think about it, the only thing I cared about was Harry. He promised to tell him I'd been in, and closed the door.

But I can't do this anymore, I need to see him. I don't care if he needs time. It is at such moments that I understand how difficult it is to love a person with suicidal tendencies... Hell, I still can't say it. It's at times like this that I realize how difficult it is to love someone who wanted to die and who might want to die again. I just need to see him. Make sure he's still here. Just a minute.

I have to be in class, especially now, because today is the most important semester. But at nine in the morning, I drive up to his house. The car is gone again. I open the glass door and Bastard runs towards me. I stroke it for a few seconds, then let it out into the garden. I turn my attention to the room: the bed is empty, it's even cleaner than usual. When he feels bad, he cleans up. I look into the main rooms of the house, but they are all empty, there is no one here, but I still want to make sure.

I'm about to turn back when I pass by his father's office and notice that the door is ajar. I bite my lip and hesitate for a few seconds. This is incorrect on my part. But that paper, the one he and Julia were fighting over, is right there. I need to know, it's stronger than me. I open the door. Well, the mania for cleanliness is a family thing. I just stand there for a couple of seconds, looking around the room, because I don't want to go through his stuff, but I don't have enough time. I carefully open all the folders, but they only contain medical certificates, bills and everything like that. I open the lockers and smile faintly when I come across the same brand of cigarettes my father smokes. Okay, now is not the time to think about him. I start digging again and it doesn't take me more than five minutes to find what I was looking for. A stack of papers bound together, the first page of which reads in bold "Statement of limitation of legal capacity".

In the name of Harry.

I open it on the last page. It has the signatures of his parents on it. I open the folder from the beginning and quickly scroll through it, focusing only on the important paragraphs.