The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 30

«To live another is to die another.»

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I'm looking for the strength in me the strength to see you. I look for it every day, but it doesn't come. Don't think I'll give up, I'll come, I promise.

D-67

I drove where my eyes looked. Now I'm in front of a huge iron gate. I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if I have the guts, but I'm here. Part of me refuses to accept that his name is on the tombstone. It's hard for me to understand that he belongs here now.

I have no idea what time it is. He doesn't exist for me any more than Harry does. Night. It gave me the strength to come here. Night. As if it were easier to suffer in the dark. As if the night takes away all our sadness and becomes easier.

I pass by Samantha and Ernest's grave. My stomach is tight, I never went any further, I didn't have to go any further. Harry was not buried next to Samantha due to lack of space. Life kills too many people. Every step in his direction destroys me inside.

I'm in front of his grave, which has the same phrase written on it. The one he wrote on Samantha's headstone. I asked his father to write it, and he agreed. I don't know how to handle words beautifully, so I didn't write the phrase myself. I'm not like him.

«To live another is to die another.»

You were different, Harry, but you were wrong. Death is the same for everyone. Suffering, pain and emptiness. The lack of. The shortage is so strong that it's killing me. When you killed yourself, you killed me.

I'd like to say it out loud, but you wouldn't hear it anyway.

I close my eyes and imagine his body under the concrete, locked in a coffin. I remember him hugging and kissing me. I remember his smile, his hair falling in front of his eyes. His green eyes, which I became addicted to. I remember every line of his face, the softness of his lips. His hands that are bigger than mine, and I loved holding his fingers every night. All this is nothing more than a memory. His body is rotting under my feet. There's nothing left of him. It lies a few meters away from me in the ground. Lifeless, soulless. He will never be able to hold me in his arms, I will never feel his heart beating against mine. I won't be able to see his eyes and smile again. Now I tie our piece of cloth only around my wrist. I fall to my knees and lie face down on the grave. I stare into the void and try to feel his presence, his warmth, but there is nothing, nothing but cold. Cold and lifeless stone. I don't feel his presence. I need him to take me in his arms and tell me that this is just a terrible dream.

I'm in too much pain. Millions of small cracks that spread all over my body, they slowly invade me. I close my eyes, I try my best to imagine him next to me, I try to imagine his arms around me, comforting me. But nothing happens, except that the pain still grows, as if it has no limit or end.

"You can't let him die, Louis."

How many times did I repeat that phrase when he was in the hospital? So much so that it lost its meaning. Now I want to let myself die, I want to end this suffering. But how can I let myself die if I'm already dead inside? I have no strength to die, only to suffer. I don't have the strength to fight. All I know is that I've been lying there for hours. When I get back to our bed, my pain will still be unbearable all the time. The pain is constant, like emptiness and absence, but I have to live.

I thought coming here would make me feel better. I was wrong. It's not there. He may be buried here, his body may be down there, but not himself. It's not there.

He came here to be with Samantha. Now I understand his fear of waking up alone. I saw him every morning when I opened my eyes, every hour, every second. He made me live. I wish I could hate him for all this, but I can't. I have the impression that the only emotion I can experience is pain. The earth keeps spinning, but my world has stopped. It's not fair, but I can't hate him.

He became Samantha, I became him. I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve it.

***

✉ «Death is nothing.

I just moved into the room behind the wall.I remain myself. You will remain yourself.What we were to each other — we remain forever.Call me by the same name as you always did.Speak to me as before.Don't change your tone.Do not become more solemn or more sad.Keep laughing like we did together.Pray. Smile. Think of me. Pray for me.Let my name be heard in the house as before;without anguish and without a clouded feeling.Life means what it has always meant.It remains what it has always been. The thread didn't break.Why shouldn't I be in your thoughts?Just because I'm out of sight?I'm waiting for you. I'm not far away.Only on the other side of the road.You see, everything is fine.»- Charles Peguy

That's the poem the priest read at your funeral. I cried so hard I couldn't hear it, but I chose it. Your father agreed with my choice. This poem was played at my grandfather's funeral. It means a lot to me.

I don't know if there is really a heaven, but I know that you are not in hell, you are too kind a person to be there. I just hope you're not lonely, that you found Samantha. Except for your body, nothing else should be left in the cemetery. I need to believe that you're happy now. I need to believe that you feel good, no matter where you are.»

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«There are people who are so deeply sealed in us that we carry their mark.»- Catherine Cusset.