The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 33

Louis' pov

D-35

I parked in the parking lot of the university. The last time I was here was the day before Harry's suicide. Then we both went to our classes. It was a good day, quite normal. In the evening we had dinner with his father, and then the best part of the day began. We made love and then fell asleep. It really was an ordinary day that did not portend trouble. I had no idea that he was saying goodbye to me, but in the morning I woke up alone.

Harry was alive the last time I was here. It dawns on me a little that nothing will ever be the same again. Because of his death, suffering and sadness, my life is also changing. All the places we walked, the food we ate, the movies we went to, the music we listened to. Everything will be different. It's hard to come back here knowing that this is the last place other than his home where he was alive. It is too difficult to understand that in the future there will be no more "us", only "me". I'm without him. It is difficult to realize that the day before the incident, we ate, made love and the next day nothing. It was over too quickly.

Did he know that at that moment? Did he know what he was going to do? When we ate, did he know it was his last meal? When we... My heart sinks. Did he know that he was kissing me the last time we made love?

5 minutes ago after I parked, I found the courage to get out of the car. I take the box out of the trunk and go to the university. I stopped at my locker first. It's empty. I close it and move on. It's usually very quiet at these hours. Every step is given to me with great excitement. Something pulls me back. I walk over to his locker. I put the box on the floor and open the lock. His father's date of birth is on it. I put each book and notebook neatly in a box. There's also his jacket, a sweater, a bottle of water, a bag of cakes, and pens. I was so stupid that I thought I'd find a letter here telling me why he did it. But it's not here. I see our picture on the locker door. I didn't notice the bell ring and just stood there looking at her. People and noise everywhere. I take the photo and put it in the box with all my things. I take the box and leave.

I look at the people around me, I get lost in my thoughts. I'm watching. A couple who argue, a girl who puts her books in a backpack, a boy who pushes people because his head is down in the phone and he doesn't notice anyone. I wonder if all these people have a story as important as mine. They are happy or unhappy. We all live, we all have different stories. But is there anyone around who suffers as much as I do?

"Louis?" I turn my head and see Eleanor in front of me. "Did you come to clear out his locker?"

She asks, looking at the box in my hands. I nod.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She speaks sincerely, I can see it in her eyes. I'm sorry too, very sorry. I know it wouldn't have made any difference, because the others weren't to blame for Harry's death, but maybe if he hadn't suffered through all their ridicule, rumors, or gossip about him, then maybe he would have been stronger to overcome everything else.

"Thank you."

I answer because I don't know what else to say.

"You won't come here again, either?"

I nod again.

"Will you be back next year?"

"I don't want to think about it now."

"Of course I understand..."

I can see that she hesitates, but finally adds.

"If you need to talk, I'm always here."

"Thank you."

"Liam's not doing well, but he's taking care of you. Maybe you could see him?

"I have to go."