The Degradation (translation)

Because He's Dear To Him

The most difficult thing for Bartholomew, after his son's suicide attempt, was that he had to give it up. Not in the literal sense, just that he was forced to send Harry to the hospital. And from that moment on, he comes to him every day. Due to his status, he could come to him out of turn and at any time. Seeing Harry like this was terrible for him. After each suicide attempt, he felt guilty. He thought it was his fault, because he was the father, damn it. Every time Harry tries to kill himself, it's like a blow to him. When Harry got better, he asked his father not to come back. The words hurt him. The guilt was growing stronger. But despite how much he wanted to stay with his son, he loved him and respected his decisions, so he left. Every day he asked Dr. Stephen how he was feeling, talked to Louis about it, but it wasn't enough.

When the psychiatrist called him a few days ago, he felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders. Harry admitted that he told his father not to come back because he was ashamed in front of him. He was ashamed and hurt that he has to go through this again. He was ashamed of what he did. Harry thought his father had better things to do, and he was wasting his time on him, on his worthless son who had tried to kill himself a hundred times before. The psychologist said that Harry, on the contrary, should talk to his father about this topic, that he should talk it out. Bartholomew didn't understand how Harry could think that he was a burden to him. What was he doing wrong?

It's a little after nine in the evening when he knocks on the door of the ward and gets no answer. He walks in and sees his son sleeping on the bed, then quietly closes the door behind him. Quietly, he takes off his coat and hangs it on the rack next to the door. On the nightstand, he sees Harry's diary, a small black notebook, and the book "The Strange Story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", wondering how he was able to continue reading it.

He looks around his entire ward, trying to remember what things surround Harry every day. Whatever hospital it was, he would rather have it here than in the grave. The knowledge that he could lose his son at any moment makes his heart beat faster and his hands tremble.Harry starts fidgeting, which brings him back to reality. Bart sits down on the bed and hears him groan softly and crinkle his face. Probably having a bad dream. He leans on his elbow and begins to gently lull his son to sleep, gently rocking him from side to side.

"It's all right, Harold."

He whispers softly. He tucks Harry's sleeping curls behind his ear, runs her fingers through his hair, and he finally calms down. He keeps rocking it, but Harry wakes up.

"Dad?"

His voice is hoarse and sleepy.

"Yes, I'm here.

"What are you doing here?"

"Your psychologist called me."

"He shouldn't have."

"I don't think so."

"He told you everything, didn't he?"

Bartholomew nods and asks cautiously:

"Can we talk?" no answer "Do you want to know what I think?" He's still silent, but he knows it's not a no, "I think you're very brave, Harold. Few people could have stood what happened to you."

Finally, Harry starts talking.

"No, I'm not brave. Otherwise, I wouldn't be lying in this bed right now."

"We all have the right to make mistakes, Harold."

"You never make them."

"Me? I did, and a lot of it. So many decisions in my life are a mistake."

"That's not true. You're never wrong, you always have a solution, and you're never afraid."

"You're wrong. When I found out your mother was pregnant, I was horrified."

"Why?"

"Because I was afraid of being a bad father. I couldn't make myself happy, and I didn't think I could take care of a child."

"Is it true that Mom wanted an abortion?"

"How do you know?"

"I heard a conversation on the phone when I was little."

Bartholomew didn't want to lie to him, but it also hurt to admit the truth.

"Yeah."

"Then why didn't she make it?"

"I wanted you to be born."

"And you... Didn't you think you'd regret it? Because I am a bad son?"

"No, I will never consider you a bad son. You're the most beautiful person I know, Harold, "Harry started to reply, but his father repeated " You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"How can you say that after everything I've done?"

"Because I am your father, and I will love you no matter what. Your parents should always be there for you in difficult times. You're a good man, Harold."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes, I always thought so. In my eyes, you've always been the perfect son. I'm proud of you.
"Really?"

"True, and I believe that you will recover and be happy."

"With Louis?"

"With Louis."

Harry remembers Louis' father. Recalls that night when he gave Louis a slap in the face. And he is so grateful to Bartholomew that he can be the father he never had.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, son. I just want you to do well and be happy."

***

Hospitalizing his son was probably the most difficult decision of Bartholomew's life. The most difficult and the best at the same time. That night, he saw something he hadn't seen since Samantha's death — the desire to live. His green eyes had seemed lifeless before, they had long since lost that light that had been gone for too long. Which should never have disappeared.For the first time in his life, he feels that Harry will be able to get out, that he will succeed. He knows perfectly well that the trouble will not end there, but he is much stronger than all the obstacles, and he will be able to overcome them. He'll be happy, he and Louis won't be going anywhere. He was as sure of that as he was of Harry's ability to handle it.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

It's almost eleven o'clock, and they've been chatting for about two hours. Harry can no longer fight sleep, and whispers softly:

"Thank you for coming."

And he fell asleep. Bartholomew watched him sleep. He can't remember the last time they had a normal conversation or spent time together.

When Harry was little, Bart followed him everywhere, like a shadow. They were very close then, best friends. He was the only one who could calm Harry down when he had nightmares. But as Harry grew up, their relationship deteriorated. They deteriorated until they collapsed completely. Harry was angry at him, blaming his mother's departure when he was seventeen.But there was still that connection between them. A connection that shouldn't have disappeared. Bartholomew realized it that night. He was closer to his son that night than he had ever been before.

"You can do it, Harold, I believe in you."

Because even if Harry doesn't realize it, he's his greatest pride.