The Degradation (translation)

Destruction

Gandhi once said that life exists in the midst of destruction.

Sometimes I want to hit Gandhi for hitting the nail on the head every time. I'd like to tell Louis everything, explain everything. I'd like him to understand.

Some of my cuts are his, others are Samantha's. But neither of them is to blame. They are not to blame for the fact that a ruined person needs to destroy himself even more. It's not their fault that I have to watch the blades cut through my skin. How the blood flows. Like a needle sewing up a torn cut. I can't live without what Louis fears more than death. I can't live without death. I need to break all boundaries just to feel... Pain? No, I hate pain. But it helps me live. After all, pain is the best friend of death. And I have the ability to tell both of them to go to hell. After all, what can help me feel more alive than proving that pain and death have no control over me? If I feel pain, it means I'm still alive. If I feel pain, it means that blood is still flowing through my veins. That my heart keeps beating. And I need to feel alive.

They don't understand. They won't be able to understand. Not my father, not the psychologist, not all the other doctors. They keep saying the same thing:

"The greatest danger to yourself is yourself"

They refuse to accept. They don't understand that the greatest danger is themselves. They're the ones trying to stop me. I've wanted to die for too long, and they want to take away the only way to send death to hell. The pain keeps me alive. It's just a game. A duel between me and death. A duel I win. One more gesture, one cut too deep, and it would all be over. Why doesn't Louis understand that these blades help me live? That I'm not trying to die with them. I'm trying to survive.

If I destroy myself, then I am alive.

Because life exists only because of the destruction.

The day I stop doing this, will be the last.

I'm not a schizophrenic. I just want to live.

-Harry