The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 13.1

Ivan Bunin wrote: "The need to destroy is the desire to create." I think I need to destroy myself to recreate it. Touch the bottom to rise to the surface. I feel like I'm falling, but I don't crash into the ground. It's like an endless fall. And I don't want to fall anymore. I want to go up to the surface.

***

Louis' pov

It's 11:00pm. I can't sleep tonight either. Just like last week and the one before. I'm sitting at my desk, in front of a computer monitor. I look at the email I just sent. «22». He won't answer. I haven't seen him in two days. Two days since he left me without news again. Like all the other times we'd slept together and he'd left. Except that time, I didn't leave right after I woke up. I should have, though... That would be better, because that's why I can't sleep. I then wanted to go to the toilet and... And I went through his bathroom. I don't know why, it's not like me at all. Invading someone else's life like that, but it was stronger than me. I didn't have bad intentions. I just wanted to look in the boxes, see what tools he uses. Something like that. Nothing wrong with that. I was just curious. But I shouldn't have. And I never thought I'd find what I found. In the drawers were napkins, gloves, various hair care products, in short, everything that should be in an ordinary bathroom. But there was another box. This box. The one I shouldn't have opened. On the first shelf were women's clothes. Comb, brush, cosmetics, various creams for the skin. I think it all belonged to Samantha, and that he didn't have the courage to get rid of it, or maybe he just wants to keep her things. I understand him, and it doesn't matter. No. What matters is what I found after ... I ... fuck, there were all kinds of drugs and stuff on the shelf... I feel like I'm going to throw up because of this unpleasant feeling in my stomach. Blades, damn it. There were razor blades and a dozen medical scalpels in sterile packaging. And blood... Drops of dried blood on the shiny metal. Fuck. Is he...? I've been trying to fool myself for two days now, but I can't do it anymore. It doesn't take a genius to understand. I... I can't accept it. How could I not have noticed? Where? Hands? Wrists? I have no idea, and it's driving me crazy. I've been thinking about his hands for two days now, trying to figure out where I should have seen the footprints. It's there, isn't it? Isn't that where the people who do this are scarred? I know he has bracelets and tattoos, but I don't... I didn't see any cuts either... I mean, I didn't see anything. His body? Maybe that's why he didn't want to change in front of me? Fuck, I can't think about it anymore. It's too much... I don't know. Just too much. I can't imagine him doing it anymore. I can not. I'm hurting for him. Stop, damn, I'm going crazy. I'm really going to throw up. I still keep my eyes on the monitor, as if the answer might come at any moment. Yes, hope is my best friend. It looks like Harry has left me behind again. Not because he left again, no. I realized that he wasn't doing it on purpose, and that it hurt him even more than it hurt me. No, I'm mad at him because... Fuck... Why? Why is he doing this? He has no right to do this to me. Is he that bad? No. He can't do that. I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I'm too desperate for possible and impossible explanations to prove myself wrong. That he doesn't do it. The scalpels are needed for something else...

I jump up from the phone call. I finally take my eyes off the monitor. It's Liam. I sigh to calm myself before picking up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"Hello, Liam, I'm glad to see you, too..."

"Not now, please."

"Whoa, is something wrong?"

"Something's not right at all. Are you in your room?"

"Yes, come, I'm waiting for you."

"I'll be right there."

I barely have time to say anything more when he hangs up. I frown, there's definitely something wrong with him. I shrug, he'll be here soon enough. I can't keep my head full of this.