The Degradation (translation)

Samantha and Harry 4

Hi Sam, it's me...

I know I've been gone for a long time, almost a month, I'm sorry. Here's a new bouquet of flowers. Did your parents come? It's beautiful, but I can still put a rose next to it, right? Wait. 

Here. 

I'm really sorry it took me so long, Sam. I was with Louis, but that's no excuse. Just don't think I'm forgetting you, it's not, but... Sometimes I hardly think about you, and when I do, it doesn't hurt so much. I look at your pictures, the ones in my room, and I just smile. I'm sad, of course, I'll miss you all my life, but... Not so sad anymore. Today is the twenty-second of May, and in three months it will be exactly two years since your death. People say that time heals all wounds. This is a lie, of course, it does not heal, it dulls the pain and it seems to me that it has already dulled mine.  

Two weeks ago, I was cleaning the closet and found a box of your stuff. Small, unimportant things. And you'll probably laugh until you cry if you know I still have them. In this box were a few photos of us together. Our last shared photos. And I will never dare to stick them on the wall, because there is no place there, and I do not want to remove the old ones. 

I felt bad, Sam, really bad. I held these photos in my trembling hands and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, a fit of anger. You know, those seizures you've never been able to control. And then Louis came into the room in his stupid pajama pants, and he saw the box, and he saw me, and he knew right away. He sat down next to me, hugged me from behind, and only then did I realize that I was trembling. He took the photos and you know what he did? Sam, he asked me to talk about you. Tell him about each picture. You always calmed me down in such cases, told me that everything was fine, so that I would be calm. And it never worked. And he didn't even try. I was sitting there, telling him about the place where the pictures were taken, how long it took me to get you to stop making faces. And at that moment, I felt all the anger and panic evaporate.  

It wasn't the first time, Sam. It often prevents my seizures. Neither you nor my father and his colleagues have ever been able to do this. And he just sits there, not asking me to come to my senses. And I come. 

He asked me why I didn't stick these photos in the frame, and I said there was no room. He stood up. Sam, he got up and I was so scared he was going to leave. That he was tired of me and my ghosts. But I was wrong. He held out my hand and helped me up, and then Louis went into the bedroom and put the pictures in our frame. In our frame with him. He said that you have a huge place in my past, and my past has a huge place in it. I didn't quite understand him, didn't know how to react. Louis knows that I love philosophy, so he often tries to surprise me with his actions. I never understand them, but yes, they surprise me every time. 

After he left for training, I spent a lot of time standing in the middle of the room and looking at the two frames hanging on the wall. And the longer I looked at them, the more I understood what he was doing. These were our last photos and they should hang here to remind me that there will never be any new ones. But, oddly enough, it didn't make me sad. Don't be mad, Sam, but if I don't have any more pictures of you, it means I'll have a whole bunch of them with Louis.  

You're my past, Sam. Louis is my future. Do you understand? I'm sorry if that's not what you expected to hear. It's just that two weeks ago, when I was looking at these photos, I realized that the future with him is much more important to me than the past with you. That from now on, you're just a memory. And I accept it. Samantha, now, standing here, I'm letting you go. I accept your departure. I miss you, I love you, but you can leave, you can stop thinking about me, because I'm already starting to do it. 

You know, sometimes I start to understand why you loved Zayn. I've been single for so long that I've almost forgotten what it's like to be happy. But Louis reminded me. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's true. I know what you mean. It took me two fucking years to understand and let you go. I understand what you had to struggle with every day. Perhaps if I had realized this earlier, I might have been able to save you. No... What am I saying... I could never have caused you the pain you needed, I loved you too much. My love couldn't save you, but Louis' love can save me. Already saves.  

By the way, he's going to introduce me to his parents on Sunday. They're having a fundraiser at their house, and Louis invited me. He's freaking out, but he doesn't want to hide me anymore. Everything between us is so serious that it makes me dizzy. Even my father is starting to like him. When Louis didn't come to see us for three days in a row, he asked if he was all right and how he was doing. He even called him by name. You know, when Louis invited me to the party, he first told me about his father, how strict he was. It was painful for me to realize that all his life he had a boss instead of a father. And I realized that I was somewhat lucky with mine. It's so strange, when I was with you I always thought my father was the Devil in the flesh, but when I'm with Louis, that's... different. He still spends a lot of time on the road, but now I even miss him a little. He accepts me for who I am. I hope Father Louis does the same.  I spoke to my mom last week. She's in Egypt. I told her about Louis, and she really wants to meet him. She promised to come. The last time we talked, six months ago, she said the same thing, but now for some reason I want to believe her. I hope she'll grow into loving Louis. Although how can you not love him? 

Hell, I've been here for two hours. I've missed our conversations, Sam. I want you to know that I still remember you. But I have to go, it's Manuel's day off and Dad's at work, so Bastard's home alone. And I love my furniture too much.  And I wanted to ask... You can refuse, of course, but... I know you're looking out for me from there, and could you look out for Louis, too? He accepted you, and I need you to accept him. I need you to protect him. Be his angel, please.  I loved you too much to let your memory hurt me. From now on, I want you to be a good, pleasant memory.   I'll be back soon, I promise.