The Degradation (translation)

Samantha and Harry 3

Hey, Sam, it's me.

I'm sorry I didn't come for so long. And for the fact that it's late at night, too. Do angels sleep at all? Do you have something like beds in heaven or..? I'm sorry, I'm talking complete nonsense. And yes, I'm sorry I didn't bring roses with me, finding an open florist at three in the morning is not the easiest thing to do. Hell, if you were here, you'd tell me to stop apologizing all the time. You hate roses, why do I care at all?..

I did it, Sam. Four days ago, I woke up with Louis, but... I'm sorry, damn it. I don't know why I'm crying. It feels like that... No, I won't cry. I don't know if you can see us from there, or if you have more important things to do. Such as walking with Frida Kahlo, or something like that. But we redid my room. We have. I mean, we're not quite done yet, but we're doing it together. Because... I destroyed it again. Yes, again. Sorry. I snapped because he was going through my stuff. He found out about everything. I saw the way he looked at the syringes, the way he looked at me. And I felt so pathetic, Sam. If there's any point in my life , it's to make sure that Louis never looks at me like that again.

When he saw my stomach, his disgust was... this is beyond words. He said he didn't mind me. He's lying. He's as bad a liar as you are. I pretended to believe him. Just like I pretended to believe you. I can't be mad at you for being nasty to you.

He's sleeping. At the moment, he sleeps in my dressing room, because we put a mattress there during the repair. You know what's cool? When I got up, Bastard didn't even try to follow me. He seems to like Louis.

He never cleans up, Sam. God, I never thought there was a dirtier person in the world than you, but I think I've found him. I have some kind of curse. Fall in love with people who are ready to jump out of the window at the word "cleaning". I almost tripped over his backpack yesterday. I started to scold him, and he just laughed. He said that if I had turned on the light, I would not have touched it, and that I had tried to break my leg in general, just to avoid finishing the room. Do you realize how unbearable he is? I love him so much...

Dark blue. One of the walls will be dark blue. I wanted to keep them white, you know how much I love white, but he managed to change my mind. He also asked if we could decorate the wall above the bed with the same stars as on the ceiling. "So, we will live among the stars." Those are his words, Sam. And I agreed. I want to live with him among the stars. Really want to.

He said he loved me. You know, I wanted to do it, but... I'm so scared. I'm so afraid to disappoint him. That's all I know how to do. To disappoint people.

What's wrong with me, Sam? Why am I crying again? I don't understand myself. It's easy, because when... when you died, no one warned me. A white angel didn't come down to me and say, "Hey, don't get too attached to her, she'll die and ruin your world, bye.»

Damn, I'm sorry, you lost your life, and I'm crying like a coward. What an egoist I am. Louis is here, he loves me, he knows everything and he's not going to leave. But you weren't going to leave either... Okay, that's it. That's enough. Louis is not you.

Louis gives me everything I need. Then why can't I just be happy? It feels like everything I'm doing is wrong. Part of me just doesn't want to fight, just doesn't want to get back on my feet. What if they're right, Sam? What if I'm really sick?

Do you think a person who has suffered for too long can just let go of all the pain in one moment? A person who has broken both legs learns to walk again. A blind man who has had his sight restored sees again. So why can't I learn to be happy again? It's not fair. I want that too. I also want to send to hell the part of me that pulls down, that likes to fall. But she's too strong, Sam. I'm tired of fighting her. I'm tired of fighting with myself.

I think I was wrong, Sam... Louis won't be able to save me.