The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 31

Louis' pov

D-55

I don't understand what happens with time. Sometimes it goes too fast, sometimes it stands still. Harry died 45 days ago. I often talk to him in my head. I tell him what I feel, but I don't say anything out loud. Every now and then I feel like he can hear me and it makes me feel better, but other times I realize that's not the case. He'll never hear from me again.

I refuse to see people. Liam calls me every day. I usually drop his calls. But when I answer, I say that everything will be fine and I just need to be alone. If you look at all the people, but remove Bartholomew, you can see that no one else is experiencing grief. When my grandfather died and the grandmother I had not been in such mourning. I don't think anyone knows what to do with me. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't live like this. The pain and lack don't get any less. I'm not trying to handle it all. I'm like a robot.

Someone knocks on the bedroom door, and I don't answer right away because I'm lost in my thoughts. Bastard brings me back to my senses when he starts barking. I look at my watch. It's 08:03pm.

"Come in."

"Hey, Louis.

"Good evening."

"Am I interrupting?" I shake my head. He sits on the edge of the bed. Every day he looks more and more tired. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'll eat." I say at once, fearing that this is what he came to me for. "I didn't keep track of the time, but I'll eat, I promise."

I have to fulfill a condition to stay here. I don't want to live with my parents, I want to live here. He smiles to reassure me, but he's too unhappy to smile, too.

"I know, but that's not what I came to talk to you about."

I look at him and wait. At the same time, I play with a piece of cloth in my fingers. I only take it off when I take a shower. He watches my actions closely.

"Your father and I think it would be good if you met with a psychologist."

Since my hospitalization, they both talk a lot. I live with Bartholomew, in his house, but my father watches me from a distance. I frowned.

"A psychologist?"

He nods.

"Yes, a psychologist."

"Do you see the state you're in?"

The question caught him off guard. He responds sincerely.

"No."

"So why should I see myself?"

More and more often I touch the fabric in my fingers.

"Because it will help you."

Harry visited a psychologist, but that didn't stop him from killing himself. My throat tightens, realizing it.

"I don't know what to say..."

And it's true. What I feel is personal and I don't want to share it with anyone. Do I have to say I'm at the bottom? That I'm unhappy? What do I lack? That I'm in such a chasm that I feel like I'm jumping off the Grand Canyon every second? What do I want him to do? I don't want to say all this. No psychologist will bring him back.

"You could try."

"I know..."

"I have to go to work, I have a night shift, but you promise to think about it?"

I nod my head, without words it's not a true promise, because I don't want to think about it. I don't understand how he can go to work. I can barely think. Think of something other than Harry. He works not to think about it. He plunges into work to save the lives of strangers because he couldn't save his son. No parent should have to bury their child, it's not fair. This is not normal. He should never have buried Harry. Life isn't fair.

✉ — 55Your father is very unhappy.

***

I don't want to see a psychologist, I don't want to see Liam or my parents. I don't want to see anyone, I just want to be left alone with Harry. When I'm alone, I lock myself in my head and imagine myself with him. When people are around me, I can't do it, I have to be present, exist. Their presence reminds me of reality, and it becomes too hard to accept. I know he's gone, but I'm not ready to really open my eyes. I know that the pain and lack that I feel will never go away. I have to learn to live with this pain and emptiness. I can't live without him.

«Time heals all wounds.»

I don't believe it. I don't need time, I need him.