The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 34

Louis' pov

D-19

It's been a week since my father found me in the cemetery. I thought that after the surge of emotions there, I would feel better. But I feel even worse now than I did that day. I no longer have the strength to pretend that everything is fine. I no longer have the energy to try to convince myself that I can get out of this state. I'll never be able to live without Harry. It was stupid of me to try to think otherwise. The only thing that bothers me now is: Why? Why did he do it? He couldn't do it without a reason, it's impossible. If the doctors had known he might try suicide again, they would never have let him out of the hospital. He saw a psychologist three times a month. It's not normal, he should never have done it. He wouldn't do it without a reason. He couldn't end his life without a reason. Then why did he do it? What prompted him to do this? I could have prevented it. I should have prevented it. If only I knew. I needed to know, I needed to understand. I should have known, it's driving me crazy.

It's midnight. I haven't slept in days, I think about him all the time. I can't stay like this. I get out of bed, feeling dizzy. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. Right now, I don't care about my promise. I stand for a few seconds to regain my balance before picking up his diary and returning to bed. I stare at the cover for a while, stroking it with my fingertips. Part of me knows I have no right to pry into his personal life. Even when he's already dead. But another part of me knows he's gone, and I have a right to know. Maybe this diary has the answers to all my questions. If he couldn't explain anything to me, I should find out for myself. I open it carefully, as if afraid of damaging it.

Nothing is written on the cover except his initials. HS. My conscience tells me it's not very good, but I start turning the pages. I don't read everything, I don't want to know everything. I only need to know what he wrote at the end, but I can't. My eyes stop at each page and I read. He began writing after the death of Samantha. He hadn't written anything before. It hurts me too much to admit myself in every line of it, in every word. He was as unhappy about her death as I was about his. I don't want to read this, it hurts too much. I flip through it.

"Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death."

"Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity. Invalidity."

The pages were blackened by the words. They are written over and over, many times. There are some spots here. Most likely, they were left from tears. I scroll down.

"Invalidity. Sadness. Depression. Suicide. Death. Death. Depression. Suicide. Nullity. The void. Nullity. Sadness. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Pain. Nullity. Death. Pain. Pain. Nullity. Sadness. Depression. Suicide. Death. Death. Depression. Suicide. Nullity. Empty. Nullity. Sadness. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Pain. Nullity. Death. Pain. Pain. Nullity. Sadness. Depression. Suicide. Death. Death. Depression. Suicide. Nullity. The void. Nullity. Sadness. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Pain. Nullity. Death. Is worth. Pain. Pain."

This is written on almost 5 pages. He wrote not only on them, but from time to time they are repeated. My stomach tightens. I turn it over further. I don't read it until I notice my name.