The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 10

"Lack is a feeling that can destroy everything in its path. It eats you from the inside out, turns you inside out and breaks your heart. And the most painful thing is that even a broken heart continues to beat."

***

He's still standing a meter away from me, right over the precipice. And it seems to me that eternity still lasts. I want it to stop. My heart is still pounding. I know he's not going to jump, but until his feet hit solid ground, until he's no longer standing on the edge, I won't be able to breathe properly. If there hadn't been thunder in the sky, I wouldn't even have noticed that it was raining. Everything is blurry, because of the tears. And I don't care if I'm crying, I want him to get out of there. I want him to be safe. I'm afraid if I move, he'll fall. It's stupid because he can't just fall, but I'm still scared. It's scary to talk. I'm afraid to say something wrong and he'll disappear again. I can't stand this silence any longer. I can't see him over the edge anymore.

"Now what?"

His voice is broken. The rain and tears keep me from seeing his eyes, but I can still feel all his pain, and it's eating me up inside.

"Now you get down from there, for starters. I don't want you to accidentally fall."

Because I didn't survive all this for nothing, I didn't endure this Hell for nothing, I didn't save him so that he would delay. I want to pounce on him, grab him by the waist and pull him down myself, but I can't move. And I can't see the end, the eternity lasts even longer, and it's only when he jumps off and his feet touch the concrete that my heart literally explodes. This relief is beyond words. I experience all possible and impossible emotions.

I feel so many things that I stand still for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. I want to hug him, kiss him, hit him, torture him, kill him, and kiss him again. Kiss so it is better to hit, torture and kill. Everything is mixed up in my head. After nine days in Hell, I feel a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. I'm finally starting to breathe normally. I cry with relief, I want to scream that this nightmare is over. I want to yell at him for doing this to me. For letting me go through this. In general, I want so much that when he takes a step to meet me, I give vent to the most inappropriate feeling in this situation. Anger. I'm freaking out. I let go of all the anger I've accumulated all this time and push him in the shoulder.

"You fucking bastard! "all the fear, all the stress, all the panic I was feeling turned into anger. And I can't control it. I yell and push him again "You had no right to do this to me!"

I know it's the last thing he needs right now, but it's stronger than me. I snap at him to let him know how much I've suffered this week. To make him pay for the hell I've been through. It's raining, we're completely soaked, tears are still running down our cheeks, but I don't care. I'm too afraid of losing him again to think about pride. I think he realized I needed it. I need to vent my anger, and he lets me do it. I give him a push and start shouting, he doesn't protest. I push again.

"Fuck, you had no right to make me go through this, damn it!"

And I push it, over and over. And again. He just wobbles a little, every time. I think I pushed and insulted him a dozen times before I ran out of steam. I find it hard to breathe, and even harder to stop the tears.

The rain increases, and we look at each other as if time has stopped again. His wet hair falls over his forehead, and his wet T-shirt has become transparent and sticks to his body. His muscles are tense, and I know he's waiting for me to push him again, but the pain in his eyes squeezes my heart. I'm angry with myself. I shouldn't have acted like this. He needs everything but that. But I was so scared for him that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get rid of the fear when he's here in front of me.