The Degradation (translation)

Chapter 12

Jacques Godbout said: "A memory is what remains after an action." I'm afraid to do the same with him, and forget everything about her.

***

Louis' pov

"Did you see last night's game?"

"Yes! Manchester tore everyone up."

"Exactly."

"All right, guys, are you ready for the match this weekend?"

We walk through the cafeteria, and I don't listen to them anymore. I don't listen, because he's here at the end of the room, sitting at a table and reading. He did it. Again. 3 days ago, he came to me in tears, in the middle of the night, and did it again. He's gone. The next morning, I woke up alone. He left as usual. And left only silence. I didn't see him, he didn't come to class, and he didn't answer my emails. I hate it when he does that. When he just leaves and ignores me for a few days. I worry about him and every time I try to figure out what I did wrong. I mean, I had to fuck up somewhere. He couldn't just walk away, could he? Especially since the last time, he was really bad.

"Hey, Louis?" Are you coming?"

Jake interrupts my thoughts. The guys go to the table. I didn't even notice that I had stopped.

"Um, yes. Go on, I'll catch up with you."

I sigh, gather my courage, and walk over to him. No, I'm not afraid to talk to him, but sometimes he's so closed in that I don't know how to get close to him without him closing in even more. I put my bag on the floor and fall into the chair opposite him. There was no response. He doesn't move or raise his head. Okay... Things are not going well. He doesn't want to talk, but this time, I want to talk to him. I feel a rising anger, and it scares me. Every time we sleep together, he leaves without explaining anything. I need to know. To understand.

"Will you explain it to me?"

The voice is drier than I'd like. He still doesn't look up.

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

I notice the way his eyes move.

"Did they take your tire off?"

Yes, changing the subject is his favorite thing. But I'm not going to fall for his tricks. I can be steadfast when I want to, too.

"Why do you leave every time we sleep together?"

I can feel him stiffen and clench his teeth.

"I don't want to talk about it."

And without giving me time to reply, he abruptly closes his book and walks away. Simply so. Without a word, without a glance. And it seems to me that the last Harry was just sitting in front of me. The one who left in the middle of a conversation. I watch in surprise as he leaves the cafeteria. He can't just leave, it's impossible. Looks like it's possible, because he just walked out the door. It takes me a few seconds to react. My nerves are already on edge. I know I'm being too harsh, and that if I continue, I risk angering him even more, but... This time, he won't be able to just leave me. I'm going to go crazy if I don't get an explanation right now. I ignore the stares of the guys on the team. I grab my bag and run after him.

He's walking so fast that I catch up with him in the middle of the hallway. I turn him around, grabbing his elbow.

"When the fuck are you going to stop leaving like that?"

I didn't even know I was so angry. I'm mad at him for leaving in the middle of the night, and now... I don't know. It's just infuriating. I don't think I fully understand how much I'm worried about him. I'm always afraid he'll do something stupid. I know I should trust him, but... No, I don't know anything at all. I don't know if I can trust him, because we've never talked openly. I have no idea what's going on in his head. I have no guarantee that he won't want to do it again, and when he disappears, it feels like he's standing on the bridge again. I can't get over that fear, and when he comes barging into my room in tears. Without explaining anything. He never explains anything. And I have the most terrifying scenarios running through my head. I don't want him to do that. Yeah, I'm going to go crazy if he doesn't stop.