Could've Been. Part 2.
Wrapped in his arms, she couldn't have felt safer. Engulfed in the security of past memories and present feelings. Lucious snored lightly beneath her slender figure, unbothered by the weight of her body straddling his waist. Cookie yawned softly and noticed the room still succumbed in darkness, the sun still hours away, and gently lifted herself into a sitting position on her ex-husband's body. Her body flared up, hot and bothered, as she realised the intimate situation, they were in. She remembered her emotional declaration and inwardly cursed herself for being so damn vulnerable in front of this man about her feelings.
Needing a moment away from Lucious to regain composure and think of an exit strategy so she could avoid an inevitable awkward conversation about why she had damn near forced herself into Lucious' bed and arms, she wiggled out of his hold and replaced her body with a plush pillow. She stood over his body for a short second with a soft smile on his face as this 'hard as nails' gangsta snuggled the pillow into his chest, resting his chin atop of the soft material with a content exhale. She couldn't help but wonder whether her presence was helping him sleep better. Cookie wondered whether he stayed up at night, tossing and turning. Sometimes reaching out for somebody that's no longer there. She huffed; probably not. She thought to herself, considering Yana had presumably been keeping his bed nice and warm. Lucious didn't do 'alone'. Couldn't do alone. Whilst Cookie had been forced to get used to it. 17 years in the pen will do that to somebody, sleeping on cold metal, letting your mind trick you into believing you're wrapped tightly in the arms of your husband but in harsh reality, you're shivering underneath a thin mattress with a cellmate that snores like a fat ass pig.
She tip-toed downstairs, hoping to avoid Juanita. She knew the sweet, discreetly nosy, lady liked to walk the halls at night sometimes. She was great conversation when you wanted it. Cookie let her feet take her to the music room. She wanted to read the rest of Lucious' song. She felt the need to uncover the emotions he kept under lock and key in the fear of being seen as weak, or worse, human. She sunk into a chair with his music book in her hands and took a deep breath before she invaded her ex-husband's privacy and read the lyrics.
She mumbled the lyrics and felt her heart clog up with emotion. When she had gotten those divorce papers, she became to believe that every moment she shared with Lucious was simply an elaborate lie. She had thought perhaps she was a means to an end, a woman simply used to get this man to the top of this damn game with a bonus of delivering him three heirs to his future throne. A pawn...a Queen on the chess table needing to be sacrificed.
"Cause lovers come and go, but we're more than temporary." She whispered aloud into the darkness. Where was this passion...this devotion when she had needed it? How could a man that writes such a touching love song not send a single letter? Visit a handful of times and then cowardly send divorce papers without the common decency of an explanation? It was unfathomable to Cookie. All of this felt like too much as she slammed the book shut and jumped up from her seat like her ass was on fire. God, she needed a drink.
She made her way to Lucious' study, that's where he kept the good stuff and poured herself a glass of whiskey from an unopened bottle. Fuck the ice. She paced up and down the room as she sipped on the liquor before stacks of envelopes piled up on his desk caught her attention. Curiosity got the best of her when she picked one up and skimmed the front. Her body stilled when she saw 'Danbury Correctional...Loretha Holloway' Her heart pounded as she tore open the letter. What in the hell...he had written letters? Her mind span as she read his cursive writing on stained paper.
My sweet Loretha,
I'm sorry about the divorce papers. It's not what I wanted to do, especially not to you. I love you. So damn much. But it's time you forget about me. You deserve someone better. Carol gave me an earful about you getting into a fight, ending up in fucking solitary because of me! Because you beat a bitch down for talking shit on our marriage. A marriage where I vowed to give you the world and look where you are, in prison holding me down. Giving me one hundred and I can't muster up half of your courage. I keep telling myself I ain't been to see you because I need you to stay tough, can't have you getting soft on love and then get caught sleeping. I love you too much to physically lose you. So if I've got to let you go emotionally, for you to survive, that's what I've gotta do baby.
