What Do You Want?

CHAPTER 21

They all eventually stopped crying and shared laughs and funny stories with one another.

Nanaba: Ok everyone.. I hate to be the mood killer but.. this is a conversation that just has to be done right here and now...

Everyone then got serious and paid close attention. The air got extremely tense and Y/N sighed, mentally preparing herself for what's about to happen... She knows where this is going....

Nanaba: *sighs* So... Y/N first things first... you dislocated and fractured your elbow... and tried to hide the injury from everyone... Why is that? You know you've done similar things like this before, But it was never as severe as this situation...

Hange: Yah you definitely do...

Miche: Agreed...

Y/N looked down sighed, "Yeah I.. I don't know.. I...". Nanaba held her hand out to stop Y/N from talking, " I'm getting all of this out there, just hold on...". Y/N nodded as Nanaba gulped and took a deep breathe... "So I spoke with the doctor's. They told me that you suffered from a dangerously serious panic attack".

Y/N: A panic attack... So that's what those are called....

Everyone looked at her in shock. Nanaba continued, "...These things are pretty common, especially with the type of things we deal with in this world. But Y/N, the doctors also told me that these things are usually caused by some kind of extreme trauma. Listen... I know you well and I wouldn't say that you are extremely traumatized or severely affected by things we go through regarding our job. But I get the feeling that there is something that has happened to you and that this trauma that you do have is what caused this situation and it stems from something deeper... care to explain?

Hange: The doctors said that this was a severe attack and that an attack this severe definitely does come from extreme trauma. Y/N, what happened in your past to have this affect you? There's gotta be something. The doctors asked us but we no clue about your past...

Y/N froze with her eyes wide open. Levi grabbed her wrist as she trembled lightly. Y/N took a deep breath, "I... I guess I should come clean right?".

Everyone gave her a nod.

Y/N: Okay well... truth is... Um where do I start? *she paused and took a deep breath. Levi held her tighter* For starters, I've been dealing with these things.. Well panic attacks , since I know the proper name of it now... I've dealt with them since I was a child. My mother... um... You see I *takes a deep breath*.  Growing up, I was initially was raised with both my Mom and Dad. My-my-my Dad...he um....he used to beat my mom up until she was black and blue due to stress, as he would say. I always had to fix up all her bruises and scars. When I turned 9, my father disappeared, took our money, and left us broke. My mother then started to work a bunch of these odd jobs to help us get by. These jobs consisted of *gulps* they uh... uhm... she did some work in The Underground...

Levi tensed up in shock.

Y/N continues: She would accept these jobs that consisted of... killing... you know, hitman jobs... things associated with different gangs. She strived to become stronger than the men she dealt with. She told me it was important to be stronger than them. So she would use me.... She'd call it training and she would beat me and told me it was to make me stronger than men. There were times when she'd have me assist her on her jobs. *takes a deep breath* She uhh.. She made me dress up in these weird dresses and high heels and made me wear alot of makeup. She told me to be feminine and sexy to lure and seduce these old men so that the job could be fulfilled. I wouldn't have sex though but still... Yes I was a child, I know... But she always said that this was one of the many things that her training was for and that I had to be strong enough to beat them on my own if necessary. Sometimes I did... I mean... I had no choice other than to be strong enough. If I wasn't strong, they would try to kill me. I was weak a few times... but luckily I escaped...then Mom would beat me until I was strong again. When I became injured or hurt, I had to hide it or else mom would beat me until it became numb or completely broken. She said it was so that I learned to withstand any injuries or pain to get even more strong. Sometimes when I get hurt, it just feels numb and then I just forget about it. Eventually my mom worked so hard and became the most powerful and the first successful female leader of the Akashita Gang in the Underground. Every man feared her. She was the strongest.

Y/N then lifted her shirt to show the tattoo under her breast bone. Everyone gasped while Levi just stared. He's seen it plenty of times but thought nothing of it. He felt guilty.

Y/N continued: I was forced to get this tattoo when I was 11 years old. *takes a deep breath* I don't talk about my past because as you know, that gang was one of the deadliest and most dangerous gangs out there. Many people suffered due to my mother's hands. I .... I don't know ...I don't know if I was responsible for killing any innocent people, I don't know... *she sighed* It was really stressful and I was battered and bruised everyday. I'd occasionally have these panic attacks I guess... but I thought it was normal and everyone got them. I'm pretty good at calming myself. I don't know, I guess this time I couldn't calm myself down the right way. Ahaha... Anyways, my mom died from extreme stress and over exhaustion. She basically worked herself to death and with that, the gang kind of diluted and disappeared. I escaped The Underground, lived in an abandoned shack, continued training myself, and eventually joined The Scouts.

Everyone was silent. Her past explained everything. It explained every single small detail about why she acted the way that she did. Everyone was speechless and felt an overwhelming sensation of guilt and sorrow.

Y/N: Uh.. Guys, listen I really don't want any of you to treat any different from before .. I mean.. I uh.. I want to be normal, you know? Please...

Everyone then looked at eachother and simultaneously stood up and walked towards Y/N.

Y/N: Uh... guys what are you doing? I just said---

They all silently gave her a big hug.. All at once. Y/N then started to tremble and bursted into a loud fit of tears while clutching onto everyone.