in love for the night // nate jacobs \\

35

after, the trip i felt dead inside. like the lights had been knocked out of me. my parents hadn't noticed how i had been, but how would they notice when i lied to them. told them it was amazing how much fun i had with nate. i didn't want them to think i've fucked up again. another 'good' thing in my life and i had tossed him aside. i turned on my side and left my fingers trace the faint purple marks on my wrist, biting my lower lip to prevent myself from crying.

it was new year's eve and here i was laying in my bed with my self pity and current low self esteem. i hear my phone buzz for what seemed like the hundredth time on my night stand, and my eyes glanced at the blue light coming from my phone. it vibrated repeatedly and i reach over grabbing the phone. seeings rue's name i swiped it open and placed it against my ear, "rue?"

"leiiiiiii," she said back, following a small laugh. "you can't ghost me, anymore we need to go out. it's new year's eve. the moon is full and the weirdos are out. there's a party happening, saint and sinners, it'll be fun."

"i'm not feeling well," i said with a sigh as i looked up at the ceiling before closing my eyes, dreading answering the phone.

"lies." she hisses.

"rue, i'm really not in the mood."

"you're gonna let a dick like nate jacobs ruin your new year?" i can hear the annoyance in her voice. "come on lei, men like him aren't worth it."

i close my eyes, it had been a minute since i heard his name. my mind flashed to after the flight and he cornered me at my house when i was alone, pushing his way through the door. the way he yelled at me. the way he grabbed my face, neck and arms. his fingers tips digging into my skin causing the bruising to start immediately from how tight he was holding me. he called me a slut, a bitch, and a whore, for running to another guy. he called me an idiot for turning to my former abuser. "you like being treated this way? maybe it's because you deserve to be treat this." his words rung out through my head. the way for the first time i was actually afraid of nate jacobs. "you don't understand." which she didn't because i hadn't told anyone. it also didn't help that gray and i hadn't talked since we parted ways at the airport.

"maybe i don't understand, but i want to be there for you as your friend and bringing in the new year, in bed moping around about some fucking asshole isn't the way to do it. trust me lei, it'll just make you more depressed."

just then there was a knock on my door, "just a second!" i called out and quickly sit up holding the phone to my ear. "look rue i need to go, i'll call you later." i said quickly hanging up and pulled on the sweater i had next to me over my head making sure it covered my bruises. "come in!"

my father poke his head through the small crack in the door after he opened it some. "were you on the phone i don't want to interrupt?"

"no it's okay papa i just hung up," i say with a small smile.

he opens the door fully walks over holding a tray. "i brought you wonton soup your favorite," he smiles and placed it on the bedside table. he then sits on the foot of my bed and places a hand on my hand, "you still feeling under the weather, aiko?"

i watched as he placed the tray on the table and seen the big bowl of the hot soup. i hadn't eaten all day and i hadn't noticed till i looked at the delicious dish. then nodded my head in response as i see his eye brows furrowed together. "thank you and yes i still feel sick."

"lei, i know your mom and i have been really busy lately but just know if you ever need me, i'll drop everything and be here." his hand gently grips on to mine giving me a small smile. "you know that right?"

my chest tightened as i looked at my father hating that i had put him through so much pain, "papa, i know." i bit down on my own cheek to prevent myself from crying.

he leaned over and kissed my forehead, "are you sure you don't want to go with me and your mom to the party?" he extends his arms and wraps his arms around me. "or do you want us to stay back i don't think your mom will mind."

"i'm sure papa," i say with a nod as i close my eyes leaning into his warm embrace. "i'll probably have a friend over or something."

"nate?" he asks and i look down shaking my head. "are you sure you're ok, aiko," (aiko is japanese for little loved one) he asks in japanese. when my father spoke in japanese i knew he was concerned and the conversation was serious.

i look up at him, "i'm okay papa, nate and i just need space from the vacation."

he nods his head before standing up and kissing the top of my head, "i'll see you later then lei."

"bye papa, enjoy your night, but not too much," i tease trying to ease his worry.

he chuckles as he makes his way towards the door and places his hands on the door knob before turning to face me. "you're strong, aiko. i've seen you overcome the hardest of obstacles and you'll get through it my strong girl. i love you."

"i love you too and thank you again for the soup," i say with a smile as i watched him leave shutting the door behind himself. it was crazy that i wasn't biologically his but i was so connected to him. he knew without me saying anything.

i put my face in my hands as i begin to cry. i knew when i was hurting he was hurting. here i was trying to hide my pain and my father already knew i was in pain. the room felt smaller and my lungs were struggling trying to allow oxygen into them as i sobbed. i wanted my papa. i wanted him to hold me and cradle me in his arms like he did when i was child and had a nightmare. but how would i do that to him? how can i show him the bruises, how can i show him how stupid i was, when he thought so highly of me?

i wasn't strong. i wasn't his strong girl. i was a failure. i was broken.

when my sobbing had slowed down, i looked up at the mirror on my wall. the girl looking back, eyes were swollen and red. she looked exhausted like she hadn't slept in weeks and her hair that was pulled into a messy bun, pieces sticking out. the girl, she hadn't seen in a long while, was back and my heart shattered.

i shook my head looking down, i wasn't going to
do this again. i wasn't going to lay in bed, and have to go to therapy everyday.

not over a guy. not again.

i used the back of my sleeves to wipe my face before reaching over and grabbing my phone.

"lei?"

"hey rue," i muttered into the phone. "i think i want to go to that party. meet me here in an hour. bring lex if you want."

"okay, see you in an hour." i know i couldn't see her but i couldn't almost here the smile on her face.

i hung up the phone and tossed it aside as i stood up and made my way to the bathroom. i took a quick shower and got out pulling my robe on before making my way over to my vanity. i examine the small bruises on my chin and neck and grabbed some colored concealer applying it to the area.

i knew how to cover bruises, it was so sad that i had learned this skill.

it wasn't long till i looked at my reflection and seen who i truly was. not that broken girl i had seen earlier.

my makeup looked flawless and the bruises were fully covered. i was ready for the night.