in love for the night // nate jacobs \\

1

my lips trembled as i looked at my mother, the disappointment got to me but hey at least it was a reaction.

"lei, you can't go about like this," she whispers with tears in her light blue eyes.

my breath hitches as i slump back in my chair eyes fixated on the ground as i fumbled with the pleated skirt. i had gotten kicked out of St. Mary's, for unacceptable behavior and failing grades.

she shakes her head as she looks up at the ceiling. "your father-" she takes in a breath. "your father will be so disappointed in you lei."

again. the word disappointment caused an ache in my chest. when i was little i'd look up and ask if they regretted adopting me. a guilt trip i learned, in my earlier days that got me out of trouble, but this. this was completely different.

my eyes flickered up to see her. she and my father took me in when i had just turned four years old. they were middle aged and had tried everything to get pregnant but they couldn't. my biological mother (if she even gets the right to be called a mother) was their housekeeper turned junky. who constantly neglected me, leaving me filthy and ragged. but the stones' they saw something in me worth saving.

i never gave them a hard time. never batted an eye but something in me recently wanted their attention more. ever since dad was out of the state more and mom was doing more and more of the yoga retreats. plus the recent letter i received from you birth mother all had set me off. staying at home by myself  with the housekeeper wasn't ideal, and also dealing with the constant anxiety i had never helped.

"mommy i'm sorry," i cry out as my silent tears turn into sobs. i was known for faking my cries but right now i knew i truly had fucked up.

her lips part and she gets up, walking over to me wrapping her arms around my small stature. her lips gently pressed to my forehead, "it's ok lei. we'll just try to make things work. i'll get you a tutor and we'll start with more yoga and maybe we can go back to Dr. Snow."

fuck.

therapy again.

i was never one who liked to talk about my feelings. but everyone was always so curious about them.

how does it feel to be adopted?

how did your mother abandoning affect your life?

your birth dad ?

all bullshit if you ask me. some people think they're entitled to knowing your life story. when they aren't entitled to shit.

you nuzzled your face into your mother's shoulder as she gave you a gentle squeeze before letting you go from her warm embrace. "i'm going to call the principal at east highland high. you know your dad is extremely good friends with principal hayes and we can get you as soon as thursday or friday-" she rambled on but i decide to tune her out. i stopped my crying and blotted my eyes with my red cardigan from my school uniform.

public school.

i went to public school once in my life and that was in preschool but i got kicked out because i was never there. the lady who birthed me literally would just keep me at the house by myself or with one of her low life boyfriends because it was more 'convenient' for her.

i crossed my arms and started making my way up the stairs to my bedroom. trying to think of the positives of leaving saint mary's and the negatives of going to east highland.