❀I'm A Trainwreck❀

P A R T T W E N T Y T W O

✰ Ashland's POV: ✰

"But... But, Ash, I can't accept this. This had to have cost you so much money. Hell, I probably couldn't even afford it, with all the money I do have," Jon hastily replied after I shown him what I had given him for his birthday.

Let's back it up here. I think I'm getting way too ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning of the day, up until now. Therefore, it'll be more easier to understand what's going on.

**

The warmest water running all over my imperfect body. Yep, of all days, today was the one where I was feeling insecure. How lovely.. Not. I hate it, but it's just something that's always stuck with me ever since middle school. It's so sad, honestly. Bullies are the worst, your mind kills you endlessly with hurtful and false words. Miraculously though, somehow and someway I got through that biggest bump in my life.

I was getting lost in my thoughts while lathering up my hair in some shampoo. Of course, my thoughts had to wander to the one and only; all about mine and Jon's fiasco at his house party the other day. God, his overprotective side is hot as hell. That was definitely worth the soreness I felt between my legs for the last few days.
It isn't as bad today though, thankfully.

We, at the moment, don't know if I'm pregnant or not. I've been hoping and praying with all my might that is not the case. I'm only twenty three years old, I don't want to have to worry about a baby- especially right now. I have a lot of plans for my music career, my life, and whatever else. I don't want a baby coming into the picture. It's scary! Yes, I love babies, but that's besides the point, right now. I'm not ruining anything between Jon and I, because somewhere along the way in the past, that had already happened in my relationship with Michael, I still feel like I ruined what it was better Mike and I.

The more I scrubbed my hair to clean it, the more I felt relaxed and calm. Must be the scent of lavender that's in it, maybe that's what's helping me get soothed with all the shit that is in my mind. I am still in a state of mind where, if I do end up pregnant, things aren't going to be too pretty. Like, what would Jon think? Would he dip out and leave? A baby is just as much as his responsibility, as it is mine, no matter what. And he can't play the bullshit, "it's not mine" card. He's the only one I've really been sexually active with in the last few months or however long it's been. I don't know, I'm just stressed the hell out, and so petrified of the turn of events.

I finished my shower and a soft sigh came from under my breath. I hated feeling this way, I mean, I overthink critically enough as is, but once a baby and a dude who you've only been dating for not even a whole month is in the picture, I have now learned the hard way, it brews up the most worst in me.

Trying to push those feelings and thoughts deep down, I had to remember, today is Jon's birthday, I have to stay strong and happy for him. Even if I have to fake my smile, laugh, and excitement. I just don't want to ruin his day, neither. That would be so fucked up if I did so.

Looking in the mirror, I repeated the same saying my mama always said to me- to myself, "I'm strong and can tackle on anything life throws at me. I'm strong and can tackle on anything life throws at me.. I'm strong and can tackle on anything life throws at me."

It's enough to make you feel confident, right? Fake it 'til you make it. Isn't that what they say nowadays? Hell, I'm not even sure, I'm an old school type of gal. I may be only twenty three years old, but I consider myself an old soul, as many people would call it.