Unify Series #3: Verdicts of Yesterday

01

"Drink water first."

My psychologist handed me a water. With my shaking hands, I reached for it. Halos hindi ako makainom nang maayos dahil hindi mapirmi ang kamay ko. I am nervous. I want to have someone beside me who can comfort me. I am not ready for this.

"Breathe in, and out, Nirene Aentice. It's fine," my psychologist said in a calmest tone. Sobrang malumanay ang boses niya na sa puntong hindi matatakot ang mga pasyente niya sa kaniya. She is a type of person that is comfortable to be with. "Don't be afraid."

Nilapag ko ang baso sa mesa at nahihiyang umiwas ng tingin. "I... I am afraid..." I stated. Umupo na siya sa upuan niya at tinignan ako. I can't even look at her. I am nervous.

"Go and let out your thoughts," she said. Napailing ako at pinigilan ang mga luha ko sa pagtulo. Hindi ko alam. Naiiyak na naman ako. Ang hirap kapag mababaw lang ang luha mo. I don't even know how to control my emotion.

After my "suicidal attempt", someone came. It was Chqianne. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa niya sa bahay namin. Nahihirapan na akong huminga nang bigla na lamang nasira ang pinto at dumating siya. She was like a saviour... She came to save me. However, I wasn't thankful. I blame her for making me suffer in this world again. I want to have my rest but she became a hindrance. After that day, I just found myself getting confined to the hospital.

"I meant it..." I whimpered. "I am tired of everything. T-That day... I... I just want to end my life... To end e-everything," my voice broke as I continue to talk. "A-Ayaw ko na... Pagod na pagod na ako..."

Nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglabas ng mga hinanaing ko at sama ng loob. Nilabas ko ang lahat ng sakit dito sa puso ko. I ended up crying hard in front of my psychiatrist. I admit, I felt ease. This is the first time I let the pain out. The first time someone gave me an open ear that is willing to hear my rants.

After I took psychological test, I went home with Yaya Beth. Siya lang ang kasama ko. Ayaw ko munang makita sino man maliban kay Yaya. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang ama ko, naaalala ko ang lahat. Halo-halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing nakikita ko siya.

"Niae, alam mo namang nandito lang ako, hindi ba?" Kinausap ako ni Yaya Beth habang nasa loob kami ng sasakyan. Hindi ako nagsalita at umiwas na lamang ng tingin. "Alam kong mahirap, at alam kong kakayanin mo. Lumaban ka, hija."

Damn. My tears are starting to form in my eyes again. Kagat labi na lamang akong tumango kay Yaya Beth, hindi ko pa rin siya matignan. Ayaw kong makikita niya akong umiiyak.

Nang makarating sa bahay ay sa kusina ako dumaan at dumiretso na sa kwarto ko. Ayaw kong madaanan ang sala kung nasaan si dad. Hindi maganda sa mata ang tanawin kung siya lang ang makikita ko.

I didn't go to school for months. Sa kuwarto ko lang ako nagkulang. I didn't even open my windows. Gusto kong manatili sa dilim. Gloom is like my comfort zone. Hinahatiran lang ako ni Yaya Beth ng pagkain o mga bagay na kailangan ko. Sometimes, when she enter inside my room and caught me crying, she comforts me and listens to everything I say. That is the cycle. Walang katapusang sakit ang nararanasan ko.

"Bawal ang cellphone, Niae." I hid my phone behind my back when Yaya Beth caught me using my phone. Naratnan na naman niya akong umiiyak. I can't stop my tears because someone posted me on social media! Most of my schoolmates were laughing at my situation. Saying that I am too overreacting.

They don't understand my situation. It's fine for me that they'd laugh at me, but it will never be the same when they insult my situation. Metal problems should never be a root of laughter.

I was sent to my psychologist again. Hindi ako nakatutulog tuwing gabi dahil sa mga bagay na iniisip ko. I ended up taking sleeping pills.

"Hi?"