Nothing Revealed In A Common Crisis

Be My Mistake (24.3)

Make sure you read 24.2 first x

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The both of you have been lying on his bed for a while now. You're dry and clothed again and you're just lying facing each other as you carry on talking things through.

After Matty asks you if you can forgive him for the music video, you nod knowing you can. You guess you've been forgiving people silently for things for a long while but talking it through, before you now put it behind you completely, feels like good closure on the subject.

"I've been working really hard on trying to forgive people in my head." After you go quiet for a few seconds, you tell him honestly, "For things people know they did, but sometimes, for things that they don't know about."

Matty frowns a little, wondering, "Who doesn't know about the stuff they've done to you?"

"A few people along the road but it's been a battle to forgive my Mum." You explain.

Matty of course knows about your tricky relationship with your Mum. You don't talk about her much anymore to your friends but Matty always makes sure to ask how she is, regardless of the past.

"I don't think I've ever said it out loud before, but I used to resent her for sending me to Manchester for the summer." You surprise Matty a little when you explain that, "Or I started to... When I realised why I was being sent away."

"What do you mean, Sweetheart?" Matty asks, seeing in your eyes that you want to explain but he also wants to understand and to help you if he can.

"I think I was twelve when things started to make sense for it." Explaining it to him feels quite easy but the strain of how you feel about your Mum makes your chest ache in the worst way. "It was like my first year in high school and my Mum pulled me out for a few days for us to go over to Adam's... I just thought she was being nice and not making me spend my birthday in school, but it was the fact that I was just basically dumped on my Aunt and Uncle, and then my mum came back home until she picked me up on the Sunday night was enough to know she just wanted me gone for a while."

Matty grabs your hand when he sees the tears begin to flood your eyes. He lets you carry on in your own time and he's just there to comfort you when you need it.

"And what's so difficult to forgive about it is that she left to deal with the fact that another year had gone by that my Dad wasn't here for." You choke up as you say, "But she left me to deal with it on my own and that is what hurts the most about it."

"If she needed to deal with it on her own, fine. But surely you have to think of your kid who's the one who has the same birthday as the day her Dad died." You're crying as you try to get it out. "Like, how was twelve-year-old me meant to process that on my own? Pretending to be happy for my Mum's sake all the time..."

Matty wipes your tears away then as he keeps a hold of your other hand and you the more you try to stop your tears from falling, the worse your voice sounds.

You shake your head a little as you say, "Being sent away so she could find comfort in herself, when all I wanted to do was ask her questions about what he was like... All I've ever wanted to know is what he was like so I could get a full picture in my head as if he didn't die on my fifth birthday."

Taking a shaky breath, you continue, "I've always felt like she resented me. Like I'm a constant reminder that he's gone. Just felt like I got a present from her on my birthday but only rarely was she ever actually present for it... I know now that is why I'm closer to Adam's Mum. Because she's the one who hugged me when I was upset and answered all my questions about him."