Nothing Else Matters - Perrie Edwards

Chapter Sixty Nine

I didn't even get to answer. Perrie stormed back into the club, pushing past me. It took me a few seconds to react before I went after her, and I couldn't see her anyway.

I rang her twice and she rejected both calls. I looked around the club for another ten minutes before leaving, realising she had probably left since she wasn't with any of the others we had come out with, wasn't at the bars or in the toilets.

I ran outside, momentarily forgetting about the crowd of paparazzi and nearly running straight into them. I stumbled in the other direction, quickly flagging down a cab coming the other way and giving him the hotel address.

I didn't understand one bit why Perrie had gone off at me. If I'd have seen him I would have told her to come back inside, not just stood there. How could she think any different? I was expecting her to go mad, but not at me. And now she's pissed off and wasn't even answering the phone. I bit my tongue to stop myself from telling the driver to put his foot down. The longer it took to get back the more annoyed I was getting. I needed to see her.

I went straight to Perrie's room when I got back, to find her smoking out of the window. She turned around with a face like thunder and laughed crazily.

"You can fuck right off if you think you're sleeping in here tonight! Get lost."

"Don't talk to me like that! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Why didn't you tell me he was fucking stood there??"

"I didn't know, Perrie!"

"Yeah right." She snorted, swiping the cigarette out and slamming the window shut. "You probably wanted this all along didn't you? You were getting impatient waiting for the tour to end right? Getting bored waiting for me to do things my own way and thought you'd just let him take his pictures and fuck the consequences-"

"Oh do me a fucking favour Perrie, have you heard yourself?!" I yelled back, losing my temper. "One minute I'm telling you the paps are freaking me out and the next I'm conspiring for them to catch us at it? Seriously? What the hell is your problem?!"

"You are! It's gonna be all over the internet tomorrow and you don't give a shit, do you?"

"First of all, it's too late for them to be in articles in the morning. It will probably be the day after-"

"Don't be so fucking smart-"

"And secondly," I shouted over her, "no, I don't give a shit, you know I don't and I thought you didn't either. Obviously you've just been bullshitting me. One lousy picture in a back alley and you're losing your shit. What were you gonna do? Wait until the end of the tour then come up with another excuse not to go public for another month or two?"

"That's just crap, Jakob."

"Yeah, looks like it. What am I supposed to think when you go off on one like this?!"

"You could've warned us he-"

"I DIDN'T FUCKING SEE HIM PERRIE!!" I shouted. "Have you got any idea how bloody stupid you sound-"

"You know why I don't want this yet, I am not putting up with all this in the middle of a tour, I've explained this to you-"

"Sorry I'm such an inconvenience for you."

"Oh fucking grow up Jakob."

"No, you stop acting like such a psycho. I understood you up until now cos I actually believed you when you said you were ready for this."

"I am, just not now!"
"And not when the tour's done by the sounds of it. One lousy picture that actually if you'd stopped to breathe for two seconds, proves nothing. We were hardly going for each other's tonsils Perrie, it was a hug."

"Everyone's gonna-"

"I don't give a shit about anyone else! You said you didn't either! You know what?" I held my hands up and backed towards the door. "It's half two in the morning, I'm not doing this now. You were right about one thing, I'm not sleeping in here tonight."

I slammed the door and went into the hotel room that had been booked for me, but that I never thought I would use.

As soon as I got in there I crossed to the bed without putting any lights on, lay down and started to cry.

I couldn't remember ever having an argument like that. Not with someone I loved. Me and Maddie had our moments, but nowhere near like that. My throat was hurting from shouting, and I randomly wondered if we had woken anybody up.

Sniffling, I sat up, and rummaged for my phone in my jean pocket, the screen too bright and too blurred in the darkness and through my tears.

"Ugh... ello?"

"Lauren, it's me."

"Jakers?" Lauren instantly sounded alert. "Hey, what time... Jake, what's up?"

"You're not with Alfie are you?"

"Not tonight. What's happened?"

"I've had a fight with Perrie." I cried. " We had a fight and I'm really drunk and I don't know what to do."

"Alright, Jake calm down yeah, I can hardly understand you. Deep breaths babes, come on. What have you fought about?"

"We got caught tonight-"

"You're joking, shit..."

"No, not caught like, properly... we were just outside the club getting some air and we didn't see him, one of the paps from round the front must've snuck round, next thing I knew he was taking pictures, that was the first I saw of him. We were just talking, now Perrie's hit the roof about it being all over the internet-" I couldn't help crying harder, stopping me from speaking for a minute, Lauren hushing me gently. "She's been going on like she's all ready to go public after the tour then this happens and it wasn't even anything serious and she's gone mad, she practically accused me of setting it up and I just feel like she's been lying to me the whole time-"

"Alright, Jake stop for a second." Lauren said. "Just stop for a bit. Where are you now?"

"In the hotel room, on my own."

"And where's she?"

"In our- in the other one. Across the hall."

"Get yourself a glass of water or something, you need to stop crying." Lauren said gently. "Calm yourself down, yeah? Then tell me everything."

I told Lauren everything that had happened from getting to the club until I had stormed out of Perrie's room. I watched the minute hand tick towards 3AM as she sighed heavily. I didn't expect her to have a solution. I just needed to talk to someone.

"I dunno what to say Jakers."

"I know, it's okay. I'm really sorry I-"

"Don't even start with that. Look what exactly were you doing when he took pictures?"

"Hugging. That's it."

"So... I don't see how that proves anything. I don't see how she's gone so mad about it."

"Neither do I. I don't know what to think now. I think she really overreacted, do you?"

"Well yeah a bit, considering you were gonna go public in a few weeks anyway."

"I know I'm probably going over the top cos I'm stupid like that but she's gone so mad. She obviously didn't want it, well neither did I like this but she's acting like she doesn't want it at all, what was she gonna do after the tour, break up with me?"

"Don't be daft. She loves you."

"It doesn't feel like it now." I muttered, tears burning my eyes again.

"Don't say that... babes I'm really sorry, I don't have a clue what to do."

"No, I know. Don't worry. I'll let you go back to sleep, I just needed to talk to someone."

"Not while you're still upset."

"I feel better now." I lied.

"Yeah right." Lauren snorted.

"Honestly, I just want to go to sleep and... not think for a while."

"You promise you'll ring me the second you need someone?"

"I promise. I'll ring you when I need to complain about my hangover tomorrow."

"Sounds delightful, I'll look forward to it. You'll be alright you know, you and Perrie."

"Night Lozza, love ya." I whispered, hanging up as more thick tears slipped down my face. I dropped my phone to the bedside table and curled up on the bed without getting undressed or under the sheets, steadily drifting into an uneasy slumber, tears drying around my bloodshot eyes.

**

I didn't wake up the next day till after twelve and it took me a good hour to get up and have a shower and get changed. My head was banging. I could picture a wrecking ball swinging against my skull, side to side, over and over again.

I was lying on the bed again, half asleep when a knock at the door made me jump.

"Whoever it is, fuck off." I grunted, but not loud enough.

They knocked louder. Swearing, I stumbled off the bed and opened the door.

I started to close it again when I saw Perrie, looking a similar state to me.

"Bear, let me in-"

"I'm not in the mood."

"I know, you look how I feel." Perrie muttered, pushing her way in anyway and closing the door behind her.

I went to the window, determined not to look at her, even though the daylight hurt my eyes. "Wow, thank you, great way to start an apology. If that's even why you're here."

"Of course that's why I'm here."

"So... you're not gonna break up with me?" I said, unable to keep my voice from shaking. I closed my eyes tightly. I didn't want her to know how much she had upset me. She probably thought she was still in the right about the whole thing.

"What?! Are you insane?! I would never break up with you! What made you think that?"

"If you really don't know that, then what do you want? Seriously, I'm not in the mood."

"Bear. Please look at me."

"No."

"... I've upset you."

"What was your first clue? You accused me of setting you up with the paparazzi, and not giving a shit about you."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did."

"I don't wanna argue with you babe. Please, I wanna make this right."

I didn't answer, still glaring out the window. If she wanted to make it right, she would have to start talking. The little sleep I had managed to get had done nothing to calm me down. If anything I was feeling worse.

"I'm so sorry for everything I said last night. The way I spoke to you was... disgusting. I'm so ashamed of myself. Bear please look at me, I'm sorry."

I just nodded my head, knowing she was watching me. "Alright, you're sorry. That doesn't explain anything though so..."

"I know. I'm... babe I really need to talk to you properly. Come and sit down with me please. You're right, you deserve to know why I acted like such a bitch last night and you deserve me to say it to your face."

"You are gonna break up with me aren't you?" I croaked, turning around and finally meeting her eyes. Seeing them swimming with tears did nothing for my mood. It made me want to hold her, but at the same time I didn't even want to be talking to her.

I had made it obvious I didn't want to be near her but Perrie got up from the bed and strode up to me, standing with an inch from me and placing her hands on my arms lightly.

"I am not breaking up with you, you plonker. I fucking love you, we're not breaking up because of me. Please just let me talk to you."

We sat side by side on the bed, Perrie loosely holding my hand.

"Babe, I- I haven't been totally honest with you about the whole going public thing."

"I gathered that."

Perrie sighed. "I'm just not ready. I'm sorry."

I nodded. "I gathered that as well."

She was going to have to do a lot better, and a lot more explaining. She wasn't telling me anything I hadn't figured out for myself, and I needed to know what was going on.

"I'm not ready. I know it seems a long time ago when the press were all over my life because of my last relationship, but to tell you the truth, I'm only just properly getting over that. I can't deal with them invading my life like that again, and especially not with you. You mean too much to me."

"But you were the one who said you wanted to go aheaf and go public after the tour, not me." I reminded her. "If you were so unsure, why did you even suggest it?"

"I know, I didn't think I'd still feel like this... obviously last night proves different. I'm so sorry, for all of it."

"I don't want your apologies Perrie, I want to know why you'd rather scream at me than be honest with me."

"I'm-"

"You know if you'd just told me you weren't ready for it straight after the tour, I'd be okay with that. I've never forced you or said you absolutely have to do it. All I've ever done is made it clear I'm ready and I'll stand by you." I spoke quickly, trying to get everything out. Perrie looked like she was about to start sobbing. I didn't want to upset her but I wasn't backing down. I wasn't going to fall into her arms and tell her everything was fine because she said she was sorry.

"When did you get so brave?" Perrie muttered, attempting a smile.

"I'm not, I'm far from it. I'm not saying I wouldn't be scared or worried about it. I'm just saying I think we'll be fine if we stick together, I thought you felt the same-"

"Babe, I do, please don't doubt that, you're the only one who makes me strong-"

"Then I need to understand what's changed since you suggested going public. I need to understand why you got so mad at me."

"I'm sorry."

"I know babe, just tell me why."

"I dunno how to say it."

"Well you're gonna have to try Perrie, anything's got to be better to hear than thinking you're so scared of the press that you might finish with me."

Perrie lunged forward and kissed me, taking me completely by surprise. I felt her tears on my face and tried to pull away but she wrapped her arms around me, pushing me back on the bed, one hand in my hair and the other around my back, pressing herself against me. Everything else in my head drifted almost, like my thoughts had taken off and were flying away to somewhere they wouldn't matter. Which happened everytime she kissed me.

I started to think again when her hand left my hair and glided across my body, grazing my abs. I raised my hands to her shoulders and pushed her. "No Perrie."

Undeterred, Perrie moved to my neck.

"Perrie, stop it! Stop it, you can't kiss me and make it go away. Get off."

Perrie raised herself up, hovering over me. "I love you Jakob. I'm not losing you just because we had a fucking fight. You need to get that out of your head."

"Then for god's sake, just tell me what you're thinking."

This time, Perrie got up and went to the window. I sat up but stayed where I was, waiting."When me and... him broke up... they were absolutely everywhere. When they want their pound of flesg they'll do anything to get it. They followed me everywhere I went, and I mean everywhere. They followed my car and surrounded it all over the place. They'd camp outside my house, they'd run through the garden and come banging on my door... I felt like a prisoner in my own house. It was so bad, seriously. I can't even explain how bad it got, it made me ill. I never did it but a couple of people suggested I get professional help. They are gonna be everywhere once it comes out and I don't know if I can handle hundreds of massive blokes shouting at me all the time again. Do you understand that?"

"Of course I do." I said quietly.

"Once ti gets out about us, it's gonna be the same all over again. I was aware of that all this time if that's what you're wondering... I suppose I just kind of forgot how intense it could get, because when I'm with you I- anyway, last night, when that happened, I did freak out. Just because he got so close, I panicked. Like, what if there had been more of them, in that little space? They do scare me. And it sort of hit me all at once, how much I don't think I can handle all that again. I'm only just getting over it from the last time. I just associate them with pain. And more than anything I don't want you to go through that."

Before I could get a reply straight in my head, Perrie added quietly. "We can work this out can't we babe? Please don't leave me over this. I'm sorry I went mad at you."

I quickly got up and went behind her, wrapping my arms tight around her waist. "Don't be so bloody stupid, did you really think I was gonna say I don't understand, I'm out of here?"

Perrie turned around in my embrace, resting her forehead on my shoulder, but I had seen her tears.

"Don't cry, please babe." I whispered. "Why didn't you just talk to me Pez? We never would've fought if-"

"I know, like I said I thought I'd feel better about it by now. I didn't think they'd still freak me out so much... I am so sorry, can you forgive me?"

I held her tighter, kissing her hair. "I think we both need to work on not thinking this is over everytime we argue."

"I think you're right."

"But I need to say something."

Perrie nodded, taking a step back to look at me.

"I know you're the one who's gonna get most of the shit about us. So I've said it before and I'll say it again, we will do this when you say you're ready. But babe... If you really want us to be together-"

"Stop that Jakob, of course I want us to be together."

"Then you have to be realistic. What happened last night was bound to happen sooner or later, I'm pissed off too but we can't hide forever."

"I don't want to hide forever." Perrie insisted. "I'm just scared, and I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you."

"We'll handle this however you want to. I just need to know what's going on in that bloody head of yours, okay?"

Perrie smiled half-heartedly. "How come you're so calm about it? Not fair."

"Probably because I don't really know what to expect yet. I'm not used to it like you are."

"And nothing I've said about how it's been before makes you want... to run a mile?"

I gently raised her head to meet my eyes. "You're going to have to do a lot more than threaten me with paparazzi to get rid of me. When I knew we wre getting serious I knew I'd have to get used to it at some point, and I'm still here aren't I?"

"I thought you might've left last night." Perrie said. "I'm so sorry, the way I acted was terrible."

"Forget it."

"I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"It's done Perrie, forget it. Just do something for me yeah?"

"Talk to you instead next time?"

"Got it in one. Do you think you can manage that?"

Perrie nodded. "I don't know when I'm gonna feel ready."

"I don't care. I never cared."

"But... the thing is after the tour, if- I just know I'm gonna be on such a high after it all , and doing all that straight after, it's just gonna bring me down, so-"

"So we'll wait. Although next time you want a sneaky fag on a night out, you'll have to go on your own."

"Ugh, I'm done with the fags, they made me sick last night." Perrie pouted.

"When were you sick?!"

"Just after you walked out."

"You should've come and told me."

Perrie raised her eyebrows. "After screaming at you, I don't think you would've wanted to hold my hair back babe."

"True... are you okay now?"

"That depends." She said timidly. "Are we alright?"

"Yes." I whispered. "Perrie I love you, if you're not ready for strangers with cameras to invade your life right now then we'll do it another time, whenever you feel ready, and I'll still be here, I'll do whatever I can to make it better."

Perrie ran her fingers through my hair, looking close to tears again. "I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry I made you doubt me Bear. I love you too. I'll make this right."

"Sshhh babe... it's okay. We're okay. All I want is you to be honest, yeah?"

Perrie nodded. "Can I kiss you?"

I laughed quietly. "Yes please."

Smiling, Perrie ran her fingers through my hair again and kissed me slowly, like she was holding back. I opened my mouth a little, hearing her sigh and she held me tighter, deepening the kiss and stumbling slightly.

Several blissful minutes passed before I said, "Pez?"

"Hmm?"

"Just need the loo."

"Oh okay." She grinned. "Don't be long."

Just as I closed the bathroom door, my phone started to ring. "Damn it, Pez will you get that?"

"Yeah, got it babe."

I hurriedly washed my hands and went back into the room, seeing Perrie chewing her lip, but half smiling. "Yeah, we're alright now honest. Don't you worry, I plan to make it up to him."

"Is that Lauren?" I gasped. "What's she saying? Give me that... Oi, what are you saying?"

"Hey Jakers! Nothing much, just having the talk with Pezza about how to treat my best mate."

Still within earshot, Perrie giggled slightly. "It's cool babe, she's right."

"Lauren!" I groaned.

"What? Don't worry, I'm not mad at her. Anymore."

"You are such-"

"A good friend." Perrie interrupted me loudly. "Do you want a brew?" She added quieter.

"Yeah, thank you." I smiled. "So Miss King to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Just wanted to check you were alright really. Hey, only a couple of days till London!" She squealed.

"I know! I'm so nervous about that one, it's huge!"

"Damn right You're gonna be on stage at the London O2. That's insane Jakers!"

"Don't make me think about it too much, please." I laughed. "I've missed you."

"I should hope so! I've missed you too, I can't wait for the gig either... and Alfie's excited, he's pretending he's not but he's not doing a very good job."

"How so?"

"Blasting Little Mix's albums while he's cooking and dancing around the kitchen table was a little clue."

"No way... Alfie was cooking?" I gasped, and we both collapsed into fits of laughter.

I said my goodbyes to Lauren about twenty minutes later, to find Perrie leaning back on the bed. "Think your tea might be cold now babe."

"Oh yeah... sorry."

"S'okay."

"What did she say to you?"

"She was surprised when I answered, she was all like 'so I take it you're grovelling then? And if you're not, you should be!' She's funny even when she's trying to be serious."

"Sorry."

"Don't be daft... I'm sorry you ended up ringing her because you were upset, I feel awful." She sighed. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

"You could just make me a fresh cuppa." I smirked. Perrie rolled her eyes and shuffled off the bed, slightly smacking my leg.

"We'll call that a start baby."