Nothing Else Matters - Perrie Edwards

Chapter Thirty Eight

I listened to my family moving around, going to work, or college in Maddie's case, and didn't leave my room until the house fell silent. I went downstairs and made a really strong coffee, a much less one for Lauren. When I went back up, she was awake.

"Hey... Sorry, I just went to make you this."

"It's alright. I'm not going anywhere."

"How- How do you feel?"

"All cried out I think." Lauren sighed, rolling onto her back. "You know what? I'm done with men."

"Oh wow, thanks."

"You know what I mean. I'm going lesbian."

I shook my head smiling. Typical Lauren. "Yeah right. Sorry but changing your sexual preference won't stop you from getting your heart broken. Girls can be just as bad, trust me."

"Well that sucks." She sighed, sitting up and picking up her coffee. "Look, I'm sorr-"

"I don't want to hear it." I said loudly. "You've got nothing to apologise for."

Lauren pulled a face. "You look shattered. Did I kick you a lot last night?"

"No, for once you were quite still! Nah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"You've not been awake all night?!"

"How's your head?" I asked to distract her.

"J, you're mental. What did you think was gonna happen in bed?! Oh actually, my head's fine!" She added with some surprise. "Report back to Pezza, her trick works."

"Great, I was telling her it was stupid."

"Sorry!"

Lauren raised her eyebrow as she realised I was watching her. "What?"

"Are you okay?" I said softly.

"Course I am."

"No you're not."

"Why did you ask then?"

"Cos I wanted to see if you'd lie. You used to do it to me all the time."

"And eventually you stopped lying." Lauren winked. But I wasn't falling for her cheery tone and facial expressions.

"Right. So are you gonna tell me how you really feel?"

As I expected her face fell. She stared into her coffee, scratching her nail around the rim of her mug. "I feel empty." She mumbled. "It's like... as soon as I found out, I could actually feel the little bean growing. I know that's not possible but that's how it seemed. My head went into overdrive thinking how amazing it was gonna be... but who was I kidding? I would've been a crap mum."

"What?!" I spluttered, not expecting that at all.

"Come on Jakers... I'm in a dead-end job, I still live with my mother, I had no interest from the so-called father... can't help thinking this happened cos it just wasn't meant to be."

At first, I couldn't find my voice, just shaking my head in disbelief at my best friend.

"That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." I said and Lauren had snapped her head up in surprise at my tone. "It doesn't matter what you do or where you live, or if it happened a year ago, now or five years down the line, you're gonna be a brilliant mum! You don't have to have a perfect life or a decent partner to be a good parent. Look at my dad."

"You're right." Lauren shrugged.

"I know I am. It doesn't happen often, but I was due."

"Just feels like... I wouldn't have been able to give my little bean such a great life... but n-now my little bean's gone... I've got nothing to aim for, I've got nothing to live for."