quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

thread

I have never been that driven.

All my life I have done exactly what was asked of me. I went to school, got good grades, stayed out of trouble, yet enjoyed my youth a little, going to parties, talking to people, making friends, you know the usual.

But then life got...

Boring.

I am a psychologist, a clinical one, a kind of good one too. Everyone had so much faith in me in becoming successful, and guess what? I'm just mediocre. Not because I'm not good enough, I know I can do things, but where I am from the opportunities are almost non-existent unless you have generational wealth.

And so one day I kind of... snapped.

I got the plane ticket, I packed the bags and went away to an unexpected vacation that would end up as pretty permanent.

And there I was standing outside of Tokyo's Airport having a panic attack thinking, what have I done?

This was impulsive, what am I doing? Am I having a manic episode? Psychosis? It can't be, I have a job? Which I despise but still it was something secure? What the fuck am I doing here all alone? My mom must be freaking out, i have to go back i have to go back i have to go back i have to go back i have to go back

Or do I?

And so I didn't, everything felt as slow motion, i stayed there for a day, then a week, then two weeks, just living in a run down motel in the middle of the turbulent city, every sound felt so far, my movements lethargic, I was well aware of my depersonalization, yet I felt so free.

I did answer my parents' calls, telling them I was okay and that I have been planning this getaway for some time now. They didn't believe me that much but I restricted the communication out of guilt. I didn't want to go back, I was gonna start looking for jobs the next day, something i always dreamed of, like working in a bakery or a café, maybe just maybe I could finally be free, carefree and happy. The real kind of happy, not just happy enough.

And so, the next day I watched my life crumble and everything I was running from reached me. The one thing I never wanted to happen, the thing I feared the most, the thing I was also prepared for since I was born.