quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

confession

Dazai stayed in that room, unmoving. In his head he had said something, he had gone after her immediately, but his feet were stuck to the ground by nails he had hammered into himself. There was a part of him that told him this was an unnecessary fight, the other part said that he wanted to watch her go, as a way of getting used to the idea that this wouldn't last and it's better to push the first domino so they all fall. So it all ends.

"Fuck" he screamed into the empty aparment. His hands went through his hair, trying to figure out what the next move should be.

'What should I do? Do I let this just come down? Let the vase fall and break? Is it better off this way? What am I doing? What am I doing?'

The words kept bouncing in his head as he tried to move his feet from the floor, but his body felt heavy and his head light. The events that had just happened replayed in his mind like a movie that felt like a horror.

And so he decided to walk to his apartment, making his way into the lonely street each step he made he told to himself a reason why to let the situation die, every logical sentence he mumbled was met by a memory of them sitting on the bathroom floor, running from Kunikida after pranking him, them on the couch watching TV and falling asleep. He stopped at his apartment door.

"I am really getting soft" He whispered to himself and walked the other way.

She was sitting on the building's rooftop, her legs hanging from the edge as she stared at the moon and the stars trying to find a sense or meaning, but finding nothing but the empty beauty of just being. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying but they were no longer tears falling out of them. She wanted to smoke but had made a deal with herself to not do it so often, but she wanted something to feel less heavy, even though smoking makes you feel the gravity around you and drag your feet. There's never a right answer.

"That's dangerous, you know? Kunikida already made an estimate budget for the Agency to put some railing here, because of yours truly" A voice snapped her out of her little monologue. Dazai was walking towards her wearing a soft smile and carrying what looked like two coffees.

"I trained Kenji's cow to bite anyone that tries to jump and I am not joking, so I wouldn't recommend it" She answered letting out a dry laugh as her eyes went back to the sky. She felt him take a seat beside her and pass her the drink.

"Where did you get coffee this late? Who did you terrorize?" She asked, taking the drink in her hand, it smelled more like chocolate than coffee. He scoffed at the accusation.

"Please, I could never, I just asked really nicely" He answered while closing his eyes and putting his hand on his chest presenting fake honesty and she chuckled at his act.

They sat in silence for a while, both their eyes connected to the moon and the stars, feeling the air hit their faces as they drank the hot chocolate that was made based on threats and manipulation. None of them knew how to start that conversation, they just stayed in silence with their shoulders brushing and head full of words.

"I'm sorry" She whispered, both her hands around the warm cup, her tired eyes looking down at the city lights.

"You are not the one that should be apologizing" His voice was soft, with a glimpse of sadness. His head was thrown back with his eyes closed, looking at the void inside his eyelids.

"I mean, I kind of got an idea of what you were doing and I still fell for it, that's on me, should've stopped it instead of playing along" She said now looking at her hands.

"Well, I am known to be very tricky and mischievous, hard not to walk right into my board game and play the exact role that I give you" He said laughing sadly. She turned to look at him, the moon illuminating his pale skin, his eyes were closed but she could still feel the heaviness inside of them.