quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

they're playing our song

Baby, baby, baby
I'm afraid I see the end
You can hold me closer
But it's hard to fight it when

******

“Do you feel different?”

Atsushi's voice was low and nervous, he was fidgeting with his fingers under the table at the café. The white haired young man could feel the lingering eyes on him from the other people sitting at the table, yet he could not help it, he needed to ask about it. His curiosity was too big and too itchy, and so he scratched. 

She looked at Atsushi with surprise, her mouth slightly open and her shoulders tensed at the innocent question. 

There was an unspoken rule at the Agency: no one talks about the incident, no one asks about what happened.

It was installed the moment she and Dazai got back. They both have written a report, everyone has read it, but of course there were some inconsistencies in the story. They were ignored since Ranpo read it and said it was alright, meaning, he knew the whole story and if the world's greatest detective decided he could look past it, everyone should. 

It has been three months since she lost her flame, this was the first time someone has asked something related to it, and it left her petrified. 

Dazai was eyeing her very closely, trying to catch every single one of her reactions. He noticed how stiff her body got, the widening of her eyes when asked the question, the tightening of her fists under the table where no one could see, still, a polite smile remained on her lips. 

“Atsushi-kun let's not-” He started saying with a calm voice, but his eyes were quite serious, laced with a coldness that actually made Atsushi shiver. 

“I do feel different, not necessarily bad…” She interrupted Dazai who was quick to come to her aid, “—not necessarily good either, just the kind of void at the pit of your stomach you get when a friendship goes estrange, or when your favorite cereal gets discontinued,it is sad, but I'll live on” She finished her answer as she stared at the reflection of her eyes in the black coffee she was drinking, somehow they seemed ordinary , the steam hitting her face gives her a sense of security, an anchor. She didn't even notice when her hands relaxed and moved their way up to hold the hot cup in front of her. 

Atsushi listened to her carefully. He always wondered what would happen if somehow he lost his ability. Would he miss the tiger? Would he be happier? Would life be easier? Despite getting an answer, the questions get no rest. 

“I am sorry I asked…” The young weretiger whispered, letting his eyes fall on the table out of shame. A small laugh was heard in response. 

“Atsushi, I am not some fragile thing you have to be careful around. I don't regret the decisions I made, plus, maybe this is how it was supposed to be, I mean, blood manipulation is my actual ability… the fire, was just a cheat code, and those don't last for long” 

Dazai was staring at her attentively, her smile was genuine and morose, her eyes were tired and sad, yet they kept on being pretty, despite the bags under them. 

Everyone walked home after the conversation. 

Dazai walked beside her, he always dragged his feet, every step he made was an effort. She has always been a fast walker, one foot quickly catching up to the other, as if she was getting away from something, and in a sense she was. The more she ran away from her the closer she got to him.