quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

texarcana

First days are usually the worst. They are filled with uncertainty and a small ball of nerves that bounces around your stomach. There was nothing else to do but to try to get through the day without puking your guts out. 

I don't really know what I am doing here. My eyes looking straight ahead but focusing at nothing at all, lost in the cages of my mind just repeating the movie about the events of two days ago. My body was sitting down on my office chair, in front of my desk that had no papers at all. The murmuring of my coworkers entering my ears but leaving as fast as they come. I shouldn't be in the office, they told me to stay home and rest, but the moment I laid on that bed alone, there was an itching in my skin that could only be psychosomatic. 

I slept on the floor because the bed without him felt like it was made of nails slowly penetrating my body and making my skin ache. I felt like I have not slept at all, even though I got a full 10 hours of sleep. 

The moment I woke up and saw his things around my apartment, his bandages all around, bottles on the floor, pictures messily pasted with tape on the walls, the lingering sensation that he was supposed to be there made me want to throw up, and the thought this was just the consequences of a false alarm, a failed out come, now that made me want to take a leap out of the window. 

And deciding it wouldn't be a great idea to accompany Dazai on the psych ward, I took my things and headed to the Agency with a clouded view on my eyes. I haven't had contact with Osamu since yesterday after 8 pm, when he was admitted with an unreadable expression on his face. We all stayed until he was no longer in our sight, even Chuuya stayed, faking he was not looking at him pulling his hat down covering his eyes. 

After that we all went home. Chuuya wanted to walk me home but I refused, everything he did for Dazai and I was more than enough, and I could see it was taking a toll on him too, but he didn't want to waver in case he had to put me together, and that made my skin crawl. I hate being in this position, where I am nothing more than a puddle when I should be an ocean. 

The moment I walked through the door of the Agency, the stares put me on display, looking like I shouldn't be there. Wide eyes representing spotlights that made me feel called out despite knowing that their glances did not represent an accusation but a worry. None of them said a word to me when I walked towards my desk and sat on the chair. 

Kunikida was the only one that had the guts to ask me what I was doing in the office. 

“I hate the feeling of an empty apartment” I responded in a monotone voice. He nodded and kept working as if nothing had happened, still I overheard him telling Kenji to keep bringing me coffee, tea, and cookies from the café downstairs and for it to be written on his personal tab. 

I stayed there doing absolutely nothing for two hours. Casually checking my phone and answering the constant messages the little lion man sent almost religiously. He did not ask how I was, not even once, guessing he knew I was feeling utterly shitty. He just sent me funny pictures, told me how people were being incompetent, asking me about tea sets he wants to buy Koyou, usual everyday stuff, even thought we both knew these days have been nothing but unusual. 

The moment my phone screen marked 4 pm on the clock, I got up abruptly and headed towards the door. No one made a comment on it, just watched me leave without complaining about leaving the door open on my way out. 

Running through the streets has become one of my favorite activities. I love how the wind moves my hair around, the confused looks of people who I crash from time to time, the sense of leaving things behind has always made my back feel less heavy. The air missing from my lungs, the ache of my legs, the dizziness in the head when the sudden stop comes.