𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

impulsive

blue

"hey, finneas took off a while ago. i stayed and played around with some vocals. i was about to check up on you, i wanted to say goodbye before i left." billie said when she heard the door unlock and lock again from the inside.

"that's fine. uhm... you can stay over as song as you want. i think i gonna go to sleep." i said with a raspy voice, trying to hide my face so she couldn't tell i've been crying.

"hey, what's up? you don't look well." she spoke softly as she stood up to pull me into her embrace. i almost immediately sinked in, burying my face into her neck and squeezing her tighter as she did the same. i just cried in her arms.

she ended spooning me to sleep, but right before i dozed off i asked her to stay over and she did.
-
three days later
"did you end up asking your grandma about death?" i stared at the ceiling as i laid on my bed.

"i did." he answered. "she ended up telling me a super cliché answer though. it was something like, as you grow older and experience the beautiful, majestic, ugly, stupid, frustrating, hopeful parts of life you begin to feel satisfied with what you have done, or what change you have done, it can be minor or big, but it matters. as you grow older you'll realize that it's just how life is, you are born from the womb, live an average of eighty years then die. simple."

"i don't know if that's beautiful or sad." i said, just above a whisper.

"can i ask you a question?" lucas asked, but i think i already have an idea of what it could be.

"we're you scared that you would die?"

"yes." i answered. "i was just a child, i wanted to live my life. i had still not had my first kiss, i hadn't tried having sex, alcohol, drugs. i didn't do anything illegal yet, i was scared of what would happen next. i was terrified i was never going to fall in love with a girl."

"i was terrified i would lose you. i tried to be strong for you, i didn't allow myself to shed a tear with you anywhere around, but i broke down almost every night and cry myself to sleep." he admitted.

"i love you." i pouted, a small little tear fell from the side of my eye and disappeared at my hairline.

"i hate you." he kissed my forehead.

we rarely talk about deep stuff and are rarely affectionate with each other, but when we are i try my best to not take those moments for granted and spoke them up as much as i can.

"did you talk to billie after that night?" he asked.

"no, i don't know how to start a conversation." i answered.

"maybe start with a hello." he made fun of me. "she doesn't know why you were crying in her arm right?"

"she doesn't, she just held me all night while i cried and left quietly in the morning after a vivid memory of a forehead kiss." i answered.

"you should just kiss already! i know you know that she knows that you like her and i know you know that she likes you! so stop fucking around and do something about it!" lucas said with a frustrated tone.

"i don't know if she likes me or not. what if i kiss her then she tells me it's not like that and things get weird between us? i don't want that!" i shook my head.

"i will not hesitate to set you on a blind date."

"don't even think about it, i will not hesitate to slash your throat."

"wow." he widened his eyes. "too far, too far. i could in vision my own death and the news headlines and everything."

"gay boy burtally murdered by lesbian best friend after blind date gone wrong." i said in a new reporter voice. "and the once you read the article, the last paragraph with be like: will this disease ever come to an end? when will it stop? where will they draw the line? are we even safe with them around?"