𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

never stopped being yours

blue

"who the fuck is at the fucking door at four in the fucking morning?" i groaned walking up to the door. i have no one with me today at the apartment, it's my fault i kicked them all out. i still can't sleep, i was recording some music though until someone very rudely interrupted me. i closed one eye and looked through the peep hole. "billie?" i frowned and quickly unlocked the door for her.

"there you are!" her whole face lit up. "i went looking for you at the studio, but then i remembered we live together!" she hugged me. i just stood here, frozen trying to register what's happening and then i squeezed her hard, burring my face into her shoulder taking in her familiar scent. i haven't seen her in two weeks. 

"billie did you drive here?" asked, closing the door, watching her take her shoes off.

"no silly." she laughed. "i'm drunk." she booped my nose and started sloppy walking to our room.

"billie here, you have to drink some water." i gave her the glass i had by my side of the bed.

"i will drink this water if you play with me." she said.

"what do you want to play?" i sighed.

"it's called pretend. you just act like you're not sick and i'll act like everything is okay." she pointed at my chest then hers.

"billie..." i started but she put he glass down and ran into the bathroom and to the toilet seat. "oh my god billie. what have you done to yourself?" i pulled her hair back as she screeched and threw up all the shit that was sitting in her stomach.

she spat out once she was done, tears in her eyes she layed start fish style on the cold floor. "please, blue. please, don't leave me." she cried.

"billie get up." i sighed, combing through her hair with my fingers.

"no i'm not going to get up." she shook her head slapping her face on the floor each time she did. "you have to tell me you're going to do the treatment first. o- or that you magically are better now."

"please billie, don't do this." i shook my head, the world is getting blurry again.

"no! no! you don't do this!" she yelled, she quickly sat up, almost banging her head on the toilet seat. "you are choosing to die, when you can live a long life with me."

"i'm not choosing to die, i'm choosing to not fight."

"tomato, tomato bitch." she glared at me. "you're so fucking selfish, do you know that?"

"no billie i'm not selfish, you're the one who's being selfish right now. you're only thinking about yourself when i'm not going to be in the picture. the proof for that is you fucking up and left when i need you most! don't you see that i'm going to be suffering through that treatment and i may not even make it?!" i cried while yelling back at her.

"you know everyone else is thinking the same way i'm thinking. i'm just the only one that has had the courage to tell you all this to your face. this... what you're doing, it's the exact same thing as suicide to me at least. you're ending it all aren't you?"

"i don't give a fuck!" i screamed this time.

billie started gagging again, went back the toilet seat and went through round two of emptying her stomach. she went into the same first position she was at right after vomiting the first time, star fish. "i'm so tried." she cried.

"you don't know how scared i was that night when i called the ambulance. i thought you were going to die and then when i finally know that you're alive and okay you tell me you want to die?" she was barely getting those words out.

"i don't want to die, i don't want to fight."

"i don't know if i'll make it without you." she confessed.

i know she isn't thinking straight and i know that she's drunk but her saying that may have just changed everything for me. i don't care if i die, but i do care if billie does before her time. she deserves a very beautiful life, with a beautiful family even if it doesn't include me, she's going to have cute little children and i'm gonna make sure she falls in love again. she can't be alone till the end of time.

just because i'm doomed doesn't mean she is going to get doomed. i'm not gonna let that happen, i can't let that happen.

"let's get you cleaned up and in some clean clothes and then i'll cuddle you to sleep." i held her hand ready to help her up. "would you like that?" i asked and she nodded.

i drew her a bath, filled it up to the top, helped billie get naked, into the tub and left the bathroom. i can't be seeing her naked, we're no longer together, it's not right. i went in our closet and picked out her favorite set of pijamas and some underwear.

i went back in to check on her and make sure she isn't dead from slipping or some shit. after a while i helped her out, let her dry herself while i made sure she didn't fall to her ass. i clipped on her bra for her when she couldn't do it herself then i buttoned up her shirt too.

"can i sleep on your chest? i want to hear you heart beat as long as i can." she said while crawling up into the bed.

"yeah you can, come here." i nodded.

we got all cozied up and stayed silent. she's going to have a bitch hung over tomorrow and i don't know if she'll even remember this but i'm really glad she came here.

"i love you blue." she softly said.

"i love you too billie." i kissed her head and squeezed her upper arm. i love her too much.
-

"good morning." i smiled to billie as she lifted her head off my chest.

"what am i doing here?" she looked around and i could just see last night come back flooding to her. "oh my god." she widened her eyes. "i'm so sorry." she stared getting up.

"it's okay, i already called maggie last night. she knows you're safe." i told her.

"thank you, i'm so sorry for coming here. you already have so much on your plate and i'm just adding to it aren't i?" she walked over to the bathroom but stopped for a second when she saw that the mirrors were still covered and then continued packing her stuff.

"don't say that, it's your house too. you live here, you can come in and go out anytime you want to." i told her. "billie don't act like you haven't been in here before, this is your room, our room our bathroom our place!"

"there is no our anymore! there is no us! there is no you and me! it's just you on your own and me on my own." she raised her voice, scattering around to find something.

"what if i told you i was going through with the treatment?" i asked.

"are you going to do it?" she stopped everything she was doing and looked at men

"i think so, yeah, yeah i am." i answered.

"oh my god." billie put her hands on her face, covering her mouth and nose, as started shaking and crying. i walked over to her and hugged her tightly, trying to comfort her. "oh my god." she repeated her voice cracking.

"i'm sorry." i kissed her cheek still hugging her. "i'm gonna talk to dr. mandosa later today and tell her i changed my mind, okay?"

"i hate you." she cried, moving her hands to hug me by my waist now. "did drunk me do this?" she asked.

"yeah." i laughed while crying.

"then i'm not sorry i got drunk and somehow got here at three am in the morning." she said.

"four am." i corrected her.