𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

bonus: i dont know

billie

"i had to lie to come here." i finally said. i've been staring at her gravestone, sitting on the grass, thinking of how to start this right. "i live in new york now."

"it was kind of a coincidence that it's the same city you happened to spend some time in your rebellious phase. i just had to pack up a bag with winter and aria and just leave."

"everywhere i looked you were there, it was like oh that's the ice cream shop you and i went to. oh look that's the vegan place we always ate at. that's the rooftop we became officially girlfriends at. that's our go to picnic spot. i hate that everything reminded me of you all of a sudden, i think i just got mad at the world once again. cause i didn't want to hate remembering you. it was just better if i left with my family, i think i did what was best for all of us. i know this must be so hard for winter and she's been so supportive from the start."

"i'm sorry i left without saying goodbye, like i said i had to just leave.. it's weird cause everyone told me it's going to get easier by the day, but i don't think it does. i think it comes in waves, i think i'm okay but then i'm angry, or i think i'm okay, but then i'm sad, and frustrated and wa—whatever."

"but the thing that sucks the most is that no one gets it. everyone has moved on with their lives, it's been years, the thought of you doesn't carry a gorilla sized weight on them, at least not anymore. no one gets why i can't just share the moments i had with you out of the blue without a warning. they don't get that i'm scared that the memories will run away and they'll no long hold a special place in my heart. no one tears up when talking about you like i do, the thought of you has been bringing me right back to the moment your heart stopped, when i told you, you can go."

"sometimes i blame myself for letting you go. because what if i didn't tell you that? maybe your heart would have beat one more time, just once. that's how desperate i got for anything that could've been would've been or should've been. i sometime get so mad that we didn't get the time we always thought we had together. and now i get so mad at myself when i'm doing something with winter and i wish it was you. because winter is so good to me, she a great mom to aria, she's so patient with me and she doesn't deserve this. she told me that it's okay that i will always love you, she told me that she'll always try to understand my feelings when it comes to you because she loves me just like the way you did. but i know it hurts her that my love for her isn't like the love i have for you, and you're dead."

"sometimes when i'm home alone, i like to act like you're just out getting me my taco bell or you're just down the hall working on your music and you're just about to open the door and kiss me and hug me and be there with me. i know that's not fair to winter, it's not but i can't help it. i really think something is wrong with me."

"one time your sister came to visit me with kyle, i'm sure you know that they are still together. anyways cole was telling this story of you guys when you were little kids, i remember my face immediately lit up when hearing your name, i love hearing stories about you. then it just hit me that i didn't really know you. i knew you, i knew you very well i just felt like i didn't know you. its hard to explain, and then all of a sudden everything was bad again for a while."

"i really thought that i was finally happy when i 'recovered' from my depression, but i found myself stumbling into old patterns i never wanted to be familiar with anymore."

"i keep asking myself when. when will i finally only smile when hearing your name? when will i never feel that weight on me again? when will all the pain go away? i just need it to go away. my child thinks that the color blue is an enemie i despise so she never mentions it and tries not to wear it a lot for fucks sake. i gotta take her to a color blue museum or some shit."