𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

can we freeze...?

blue

i apologized to claudia for telling her about me before anyone else and expecting her to keep that secret. that was wrong, i shouldn't have done that. she already has enough on her plate. she said that there was nothing to apologize for but i still felt the need to.

it's only been a day since i told billie, she called maggie and canceled everything she had planned and told her she was going on a break again. if i spoke up we would have gotten into a fight so i just let it happen. she cried alone in the bathroom, i didn't go in, she needed space.

we didn't talk about it, she's been silent all day. she followed me around where ever i went in the apartment but she didn't speak a word to me. this is the time where i would really appreciate it if i had the ability to read minds. i want to know exactly what she's thinking to do everything in my power to make her not feel whatever she's feeling right now.

have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so all you do is stare into nowhere. feeling your heart break into pieces? that's what i think billie is feeling right now.

right now i don't really care about me losing my life, all i care about is billie. i want her to be okay when i'm not here. i want her to be happy, i even want her to fall in love again, live in her dream house and have the children that she always wanted. i want her to win a grammy and many awards till eventually she runs out of space for them and has to open her own museum.

i want the whole world to know who the fuck is billie eilish. i want the world to be jealous of her, but love her at the same time, i want her to be have the whole world wrapped around her little finger. she deserves the world.

maybe i want her to forget all about me only because it'll hurt her less, not having to think of her dead girlfriend every second of everyday. it'll make things easier for her, easier to find love again, to make music, to be happy, easier to get through the day. she doesn't have to remember me if that'll be for the best.

i started writing some goodbyes on random pieces of paper, i only started most of them and couldn't get myself to finish writing any of them. how lucky am i to have the chance to say goodbye to the people i love right? but how do you say goodbye when the story isn't finished? i feel like it just began.

i thought the universe was finally on my side. but then it had to fuck me over. honestly, fuck the world.
-

"can you please talk? say anything?" i bit my lip as i covered myself with my blanket. i reached out and held stuffy in my chest.

"i don't know what to say." she said.  "you shouldn't have went through the treatment because of me. i was stupid, you weren't selfish, i was the being selfish. i should have respected your decision and supported you through it. i was just so scared of losing you that i wanted you to fight and do whatever it takes to survive, and that wasn't okay. i'm so sorry, this is my fault. you wanted to be you when you left." her voice cracked at the end.

"no, stop it. you're right, you should have respected my decision but i'm glad you didn't. there are some things that you did that were wrong, but we're human, we make mistakes, we learn and you've never been in a situation where your girlfriend was very sick or even a loved one. i'm glad i went through the treatment because now i'll go when i know that i did everything i could to fight to stay with you, i'll know that i didn't coward away because i was scared of losing my hair and feeling nauseous all the time." i scooted closer to her and made her look into my eyes.