𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

fertility

blue

"blue!" dr. mandosa entered the room. "my favorite patient! how's dad? did cole graduate yet?"

"dad is worried as hell and cole still hasn't graduated, she will in two weeks though." i answered, swinging my legs under the clinical bed nervously.

"alright, so i have your results here." she frowned her brows will examining my file. "and everything seems to look normal to me."

i let out a sigh of relief even though i knew i was going to be fine. i always get this nervous when i'm in for a check up. brings bad memories.

"about the nose bleed the other day. has it been a regular thing?" she asked.

"oh no, i've always kind of had nose bleeds ever since i was little, i'm sure you remember them, they usually appear when it's hot out side, like in the summer." i answered.

"right, have you been noticing anything unusual going on?" she asked.

"no not really, i had one of those headaches that come out of nowhere though." i answered.

"you did?" she frowned. "that does worry me a little bit, do you feel like they have been too regular? how many times a month do you get them?"

"they are not so regular. just get them once every three months? and they go away as soon as i take a pill."

"alright, never fail to mention them to me please." she ordered. "you seem to be perfectly healthy, do have any questions?" she closed my folder.

"uh yeah, actually."

"well that's a first! you're usually in a hurry to get out of here." she chuckled.

"well yeah, it's a hell hole." i shrugged. "but i wanted to ask about how the chemo affected my fertility. because i was doing it for a long time and i remember you talking about how it could potentially effect my fertility." i but my lip.

"unfortunately because you were treated with chemo for a long period of time, as you said, chemo did effect your fertility. getting pregnant might be really hard for you, and maybe impossible." she paused for a second. "and even then there is a high risk of pregnancy complications, but don't let your hopes down love. if you are thinking about the topic seriously, i highly recommend you go a gynecologist or i can refer you to a fertility specialist."

"no i just wanted to- nothing. it's just the topic came up when i was talking with someone earlier this week and it made me think how i could never experience it."

"like i said, blue, you never know."

"don't." i said as soon as she finished that sentence. "there are somethings i could never have because of what i went through and i have to learn to live with that."

"okay honey, do you have anymore questions?" dr. mandosa asked.

"no." i smiled. "j- just don't mention this to dad. like at all. because i know he calls all the time to check in on me with you. i'm trying to make it clear that i do not want this conversation to make its way to him."

"yes, of course." she nodded. "well, you're free to go."

"right." i hoped off the bed and opened the door. "thanks"

i've almost grown to learn to become numb with news like this. i got so used to it to the point where i have no physical reaction to it.

that's doesn't mean that i am not broken by it. it eats me up inside everyday. i hate the fact that i never had a normal childhood because i spent most of my nights in the hospital, sick. i hate the fact that every single time i get a high fever i have to go back to that hell hole. i hate the fact that my immunity is shit. i hate that i'm infertile. i hate that i thought i was going to die so young. it makes me red.

i reached the studio and immediately buried my face into my pillow and cried and cried and cried and cried.

an angelic voice was in my head, so soft, so beautiful. it got louder and clearer, it's was billie's voice. i opened my eyes, i must have fallen asleep. my docs were no longer on my feet and there's a blanket over me.

she was playing the piano, i could almost go back to sleep from just listening to her sing. i didn't move, afraid that if i did she'll stop.

"so, where did you go? i should know, but it's cold and i don't wanna be lonely so tell me you'll come home
even if it's just a lie."

she finished up and started mumbling another song and that's when i stretched my arms.

"hey, sleepy head." billie got up for the stool and sat on the edge of bed.

"hey." i smiled.

"you okay, beautiful? you didn't look to good when i got here." she asked, worried.

"yeah, now that you're here i'm great. just got some news, it's no big deal." i answered.

"okay, but i need you to know that you can talk to me about anything, alright?"

"mhm" i mumbled, sitting up. "thank you."

"okay, i was talking to my manager the other day, and for my next tour we're gonna need someone to take finneas' place because he won't be coming along this time. he's staying with clauds to do some construction in their house, boring but whatever. anyways, we have to do auditions now and i said you might be interested."

"tour?"

"yeah, i'm going on tour soon, but i'm not sure when, we haven't set the dates yet. and i know how you feel about things being handed to you, this is not like that at all. you'll have to audition and it's not just me who gets to decide who gets the part, i have a whole team with me who has to make the decision with me."

"but you're still the most person who has a say in this right?" i raised a knowing brow.

"yeah, but you're great and i promise i won't be biased in this. there is no room to be biased anyway. come on just do the audition and see what will come of it." she tried to convince me.

"if you want some advice from your dad, it's gonna be, whenever life gives you an opportunity you take it without hesitation. you never know what could happen."

"okay, relax, i will. i'll audition." i gave up.

"hell yeah, it's on monday. i'll send the location of the building later." she grinned.

if i got the job, it won't be bad at all. i'll be doing to things i love, music and traveling. it'll also mean that i'll get to be with billie on tour. i may not see her all the time because i'm sure she'll be busy working and doing press but i won't miss her like i would if i stayed back home.

i'm scared that if she left, what we have is never going to be official and we'll miss our chance together. i don't want that, she the first person that feels right.