𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

family

blue

i pushed billie into working more. i didn't want her to keep pushing deadlines, i don't want me jeopardizing her career. she listened to me and i've been alone a lot more, and when she's not here i usually work on my own music to keep myself distracted.

i lifted my arm and took of whiff of my armpit's oder and like i expected, it was foul. taking showers have been a hassle for me, i've been skipping them way too often, they just take up so much of my energy that i began to resent them.

i saved all the work on had on my monitor and shut off all the electronics. i then made my way to the closet, where i choose what to wear after my shower and made my way into the bathroom, shed the layers of clothes, i always feel cold these days. i stepped into the shower, letting the water hit my face and scalp first then slowly letting it to run through my whole body, refreshing me.

i finished my business and wore my clothes. i then looked myself in the mirror. i've lost a lot of weight on my face, my eye bags are getting worse and i just don't look the same. dismissing all my negative thoughts i started doing my skin care routine which made me feel a little better, but then i started brushing my hair.

i knew it was falling off, but in the shower the hairs would just disappear in the drain so i wouldn't know how much of it was actually falling off. while brushing my hair, clumps where shedding. i could see them fall on the floor, tangle in the brush and in my hands. it's was like dog's hair, it was everywhere.

i stopped brushing it and instead braided it in a low braid, gathered up every hair i could, stuffed it in a couple tissues and threw it away.

my hair has grown out a lot, leaving my natural hair being revealed in my roots and the blue in it has been faded for a while. it's just a matter of time till i shave it off, but i don't want to do it. my hair has always been part of my identity and i don't know who i'll be without it.

to be honest i've been going through so much emotions that i just turned numb. i'm confused on what i'm supposed to feel, should i feel sad? scared? angry? frustrated? worried? i have no idea.

i haven't shed a tear for a fat minute and i have the feeling that when i'll finally do, it'll be a burst of emotions exploding all at once. again, it's just a matter of time before it happens and it's not like i like being numb with no emotions.

"mom, you really shouldn't come over unannounced. i don't think blue appritates that." i heard billie's distant voice enter the apartment and the door closing behind her. it was as if the foot steps i heard were echoing but there is no echo in our apartment which told me that someone else was here, probably maggie.

"just let me go in there and see how she's doing." billie sighed.

i put my after shower mist on and walked out the bathroom just as billie walked into the room. "hi honey." we met halfway and greeted each other with a kiss and a hug hello. "how was your day?" she asked, cupping my cheek.

"it was okay, i took a shower." i smiled.

"i see, do you feel refreshed?" she ran her thumb across my cheek.

"mhm, i feel good." i nodded.

"i'm glad you had a good day, it makes me so happy." she got in her tippy toes to kiss my forehead. "baby, mom is here. i didn't know she was coming over, i met her in the elevator coincidentally. if you don't want anyone here i can tell her that you want to be alone, i'm sure she'll understand."

"no, she can stay, i miss her." i shook my head.

"are you sure? because she said it herself-"

"billie. it's fine, i wanna see her." i cut her off.