𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

shut them all out

blue

"you have to get out of here! you didn't want to go through chemo because you wanted to be like yourself and yet you're laying in the fetal position in your bathroom crying all your tears out." lucas said.

"i can't!" i didn't yell, i screamed my lungs out.

"holly shit you need to tone down or go into the studio, your neighbors probably hate you by now." he widened his eyes.

"i love her." i continued yelling.

"she loves you too, you know that. but she chose to leave you because she doesn't want to see you die. none of this is fair, i know that, but you can't do this to yourself babe." her forced my head onto his chest to rest.

"we were doing so good." i managed to get out.

"i know you were." he brushed through my hair.

"i don't want to die."

"i don't want you to die."

"i don't want to do chemo."

"i know, i know." he comforted me.

"everyone hates me. i'm going to die being hated by the people i love." i stared ahead of me, my eyes landing in a necklace dangling by the shower. it's a stupid place to put a necklace, it could fall down the drain at any second, but of course it would be there. it's billie's.

"no one hates you blue, we are all just looking out for you because we care about you." he said.

"she said i wasn't fighting for us because i wasn't going into chemo but she didn't see me when i went through chemo. you saw me, you understand why i don't want to do it right?" i moved to look at him as he answered but there was no use in that, the world was a little blurry.

"i could never understand you really, but i know why you don't want to do it. that's enough for me to support you, besides i'll regret not being there for you when you're gone." he was crying. he never cried when it came to my health, he did cry but he didn't do it infront of me, he was trying to be strong, but he was just a child like i was.

"all i can think about no matter the topic is death, death, death, dead, die, death, death. how can i live my life normally when that's always on my mind? it's too much." my voice cracked at much. "we don't even last seven months, i thought i was going to marry her."

"i wish i can just take your disease and put it in me, you've already had to deal with it enough. why does it have to be as stubborn as you?" he it his chest when saying me and let us hand linger there.

"thank god you can't do that, i don't want anyone else i love having to go through what i'm going through." i shook my head.

"we have people going into space and landing on the moon for fucks sake! why isn't there a cure for kidney disease?" he yelled. i've thought of that more than a million times.

do you think if i ended it all right now it'll hurt less?

all the questions i had are back now. what will happen after i'm gone? is it just black? is it the after life? do i become a ghost? do i become reincarnated? can i visit the ones i love? do i get to haunt a place? will i have after life friends?

i didn't comment on what lucas said, even though i had a lot to say, but i just wanted to be silent. i don't feel like talking anymore, it takes up too much energy.

"you have to eat now, so you can take your pills soon." lucas got up on his feet and reached his arm for me to take. we walked together to the kitchen where the bags of takeout were sitting. he ordered a little from everywhere just to make sure i eat without complaining, he knows me too well.

"did you know that billie and i used to take our daily pills together?" i asked lucas as we ate.

"yes, you've only told this me ten times this past week." he nodded.

"don't be mean." i frowned my eyes getting watery once again and i put down my burrito. they make me think of her.

"no, no don't cry! i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be mean. i just- fuck!" he cussed out. "cole is coming over later, did you miss her? she coming over in half an hour!" he tried to get me to stop.

"can she cuddle me? i want to go to sleep and i can't sleep because billie is not here to cuddle me." i continued crying.

"yeah. she can cuddle you, she just told me that."

"don't lie, she didn't tell you that. you just made that up."

"you're right, i'm sorry, i just made that up. but i'm sure she won't mind cuddling you to sleep, i'm sure she's gonna love that." he rubbed my back. i lifted my head and looked at the burrito, it was wet with my tears, i was about to cry over that too, but lucas quickly came to the rescue. "no need to be sad, i have another burrito in here for you, you can eat half of it and then it'll be like you ate one whole one."

"you're the best." i took the burrito from his hands and started eating it. a couple of moments later cole arrived, she walked over to me kissed my head and said, "i have a surprise for you."

"if it's not billie i don't want it." i put my burrito down and and pointed at my medication for lucas to bring to me and i started popping them in two at a time.

"it's not billie but it's kind of close to that?" she scrunched up her face.

"nothing is close to billie."

"hey girl!" riley walked into the apartment, behind her kim, ivy and sammy.

"what are you doing here?" i frowned.

"we came to check up on you, cause that's what friends do." riley answered.

"billie needs you more than i do, go see her." i walked to the sink and started washing my hands.

"we were just with her." ivy said.

i quickly turned around and asked, "how is she doing?"

no one answered, they just looked at each other waiting for someone to speak up but i got it. of course she wasn't doing okay, what was i expecting? her dancing in the kitchen all happy and singing? i nodded in understanding.

"did you come to see me doing miserably too and report back?" i asked. "there you go, you saw me. i'm not dead and i'm not magicaly over the love of my life and i'm not changing my mind about the treatment. so now if you'll excuse me i haven't slept in days and i need to rest." i dragged cole by the arm and took her to my room.

"why did you do that?" she asked.

"i want to sleep." i put my head on cole chest to hear her heart beat. it's not the same but it's good enough.

"just wanted to tell you before you go to sleep." riley knocked on the door. "take care of yourself blue."

"they really do care for you, you know?" cole spoke up. "they're her best friends but they're your friends too, don't shut them out."