𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

back home

billie

"what are you going to wear?" ivy asked.

"i don't know, maybe i should go shopping." i shrugged, but then i thought about it more. maybe i have something in my closet? "i don't fucking know." i shook my head.

"hey, don't stress about it. i'll help you with that."

"i'm not stressed about that, i'm stressed about the speech i'm expected to give at the funeral. i don't know what to say, ivy!" i threw my notebook on the ground and sighed.

"you know her better than anyone in this entire world knows her, hell! you know her better than her own sister! just tell a little memory that's dear to you heart or just talk about who she was to you and that's it." ivy said.

"easier said than done v."

"okay, then leave that for later. you'll figure it out, let's go through your closet and see what you have in here." ivy got up and opened my closet.

"all i have here are sweatpants, oversized shirts and hoodies. remember? i moved out?" i said.

"then we have to go to the apartment."

"i haven't been over at the apartment since-"

"yeah i know. you're gonna do it sooner or later, so why not just do it now? come on, get your shit, i'm driving you there." ivy ordered.

i sat there thinking about it for a second before i put on my shoes and walked behind her to the car. i haven't driven in a while, maybe i'll take a late night drive later today. i used to love doing that.

"look, it's just a place. it's a place you live in, it has a lot of memories, but don't let that scare you, because those memories are good ones and they're with that someone you wanted to be with forever. i know it's sad and it's scary facing that. but it's okay, and it's okay to cry, i'm gonna be there looking through your closet, you can walk around and do whatever okay?" ivy said when she saw me fidgeting with my hands.

"yeah i know." i looked out the window, staring at the familiar streets.

we approached the apartment complex parking garage and made our way to my reserved parking spot. i stared at blue's motorcycle, wondering what the fuck is going to happen to it. she loved her sliver so much and she especially loved it when i was hugging her waist tightly when she rode it.

"come on let's go." ivy opened the car door for me, making my elbow slide off the door and almost making me fall, snapping me out of my thoughts. i didn't even realize she got out of the car.

ivy walked to the elevator with me behind her. i was like a lost puppy, trying to find someone to take care of it. but in reality this is my place, my apartment, my home. i was just being dragged here.

"key please." ivy said. i gave her the key, she unlocked the door and made her way in, but she didn't lock the door from the inside. i was still outside the door.

it's just an apartment. it's my apartment. it's my apartment with her. my stuff is in there. her stuff is in there. her stuff is everywhere. it's everywhere. she's everywhere.

every corner i look at i remember her, she invades all my thoughts and feelings and influences everything i do. it used to be in a good way but now that she's gone. it's just hurts so much, it's like i physically can't breathe and my heart physically aches whenever she crosses my mind, which is all the time.

i slid down the wall and sat on the floor, hugging my knees with my head between them. it hurts too much, i really don't think i can do it. i can't get over her, i don't want to, i love her too much. i don't understand how i'm supposed to be okay after this, i don't even know if there is going to be an "after this", because i won't ever be okay. i will forever hurt because she's not with me.