𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

dress up

blue

my hair has been in that same braid for a week now. i'm too scared to take it out. i have to shave it off, i can't stand this braid anymore and i can't stand seeing my hair fall out anymore.

"billie?" i called out to her from the bathroom.

"hm?" she raised her head to look at me.

"it's time to shave my head."

"it's been falling out?" she put her phone down.

"yeah." i bit my lip. "don't say you're sorry or anything like that please. it's just time to shave it and i have a machine in a box somewhere. i want you to help me shave it."

"okay." she nodded, hopping off the bed and walked to her bathroom, where i was. i got on my knees, opened the cabinet under the sink and took out a small red box. inside it was the same electric head shaver i used years ago to shave my head after starting chemo.

"it's the same one i used the first time." i let billie know, she didn't know how to react. she had a faint smile on her face, to ease me, but it quickly faded away. probably because she second guessed herself on that.

i plugged the shaver in and put it beside the sink. i looked at myself in the mirror. billie looked at me through the mirror. she hugged my waist and kissed my cheek. i closed my eyes feeling her warmth against my ice cold skin. "let's do this."

"how do you want to do this?"

i took off my shirt, opened the camera app on my phone and set it up. my lip was quivering, i was trying so hard not to cry. "just do it, don't take out the braid."

billie started the shaver, i closed my eyes crying to cancel out the sound of it, i couldn't, it just made it louder. she started from my hairline, the right side and continued downward. behind my ear and to the back of my neck.

i wish i was strong enough to look myself in the mirror and not completely break down crying. but when i finally opened my eyes, i grieved my hair even more than i grieved it the first time. when my hair started growing back after i finished my chemo the first time, it only meant twice as much to me and losing it again is twice as painful. my hair had become a way i could express myself and it became a part of my identity.

maybe i'll actually rock the bald look now that i'm not a child though.

billie just did the job i told her to do. i don't think she knew what to do exactly, she was shaken up too. she cried with me, but she wiped her tears more often than i did, trying to hide it. she kissed my cheek and told me she loved me several times.

i don't know why people assume they have to be strong for me when i want them to do the exact opposite. i want my loved ones to cry with me, i want billie to hold me while i cry and i want to hold her while she cries. that's how i feel comforted, knowing that the people i love share the same fears and pain i do, at least a small percentage of them.

i want them to be vulnerable around me at my most vulnerable state. that's the purest kind of love in my opinion.

"almost done." billie whispered kissing my cheek once again. just then all the extra weight on my head was gone and we were back to square one. billie put the braid beside my sink, opposite the phone that i forgot was even recording. i ran my hands through my scalp, feeling the little hairs that were left behind poking my fingers. my scalp still has that tingly sensation i get when my hair is falling out, i'll have to call jasmine and ask where my silk scarfs are.

"maybe i can rock this if i didn't have ugly patchy spots and my eyebrows weren't falling off." i chuckled trying to lighten the mood.

"you can rock anything." she fluffed my shirt up and hugged me from my waist. her short ass can't hug me from my neck, she might as well be reaching for the sky.